Thursday, April 18, 2013

The days after

How am I doing?

Its a question I'm getting asked a lot lately.  And for some reason the usual response of "Great, and you?" isn't cutting it.

I haven't tried out my actual desired response yet which is "I'm crappy.  Looking for a hole to hide in. Please pretend like you don't see me".  I fear it would not be well received and possibly viewed as bitchy. Who, me?

I really am so very grateful for everyone's concern.  But the combination of a blog post that had about 20x's more viewership than a usual post, a front page newspaper quote and the general care and concern of so many sweet acquaintances has me wanting to run for cover.

I'm weird.  That is how I am.  I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling.  I cry.  I get sad.  I get mad.  I snap at my kids and wonder how someone who just had the experience I did could possibly be snapping at her kids.  I want to sleep.  Like, a lot.

Today I went for a run.  I didn't care what training books or post-marathon recovery articles recommend I needed today's run like I need oxygen.  I felt the tears starting before I even locked up my car and hit the road.  I ran with a tissue.  I turned up my music.  Loud.  I ran faster than I should have.  I ran longer than I should have.  When I was done I started to feel a little like me again for the first time in days.

I feel silly.  I feel like I should not feel so different.  So raw.  I didn't see the carnage.  I wasn't on the scene.  What is wrong with me?

My brother, the wise judge, and my husband, the wise psychologian (long time joke, no time to explain) assure me nothing is wrong with me.  That this is normal.  But I feel broken.  I feel like my heart, my natural optimism, my desire to believe and hope for the best might not be the same ever again.

For now I'm going to keep taking naps.  Keep running.  Keep apologizing to my kids.  Keep forcing myself out of my shell -my brother made me promise I would keep a date with some girlfriends tomorrow for our monthly accountability and sharing time.  Keep praying for the people of Boston.  Keep praying for the wounded.  Keep praying for Christ to come quickly.

3 comments:

Nicole Clay said...

Thinking about you....(and wanted to let you know that your "long time joke" made me smile).

Astrid Maples said...

Lacey, I will share with you exactly what I told your mother before she went to Africa and I was concerned for how she would feel when she returned home. Everything happens for a reason. Everything is exactly as it should be. Everyone is exactly where they should be. It is not necessary that we totally understand why. What we hope is that there is comfort in the belief that we all are woven together in a Divine plan. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Ally said...

Love you. Love your honesty. Thank you for sharing your journey.