Some days.

Sometimes it just sucks.

There are those days when all the progress you felt like you'd made just seems to slip away.  The day when you see kids at school pairing off with friends to have fun play dates ... something that is probably so easy and effortless for them ... and you hurt for your son who has none.

Instead you take your son to the doctor to have a rash checked out.  The rash, along with a long string of little things, bring up the possibility of mono.  So you agree that to be safe rather than sorry you should do the mono test.  It requires a finger prick.  You know it won't be good, but you aren't prepared for just how not good it can be.  As your 8 year old sons screams, cries, wails, begs and pleads with you not to prick his finger you feel your calm slipping away.   His hysteria makes his sisters start crying and instead of feeling reassuring, soothing and loving you start to feel anger.  Anger that he can't just calm the flip down.  Anger that you can't reason with him when it comes to medical issues that require sharp implements of any kind.  Anger that the new P.A. you are seeing doesn't understand what is happening and his questions and surprise are only making things worse.

And then you just feel tired.  Why couldn't my son be the one skipping merrily off to a playdate after school.  Why can't it just be easier.  Why can't he just like doing the things the other boys in his class like doing so that they will want to play with him.

And right now I am overwhelmed and it has been a long day and I know it the light of morning things will seem better.  That I will remember that last month he had a great playdate with a friend from school (one of only a handful, ever).  That he is happy and thriving with his new ABA tutor.  That things have come so far from the little boy who used to eat his meals all by himself.

It will feel better. Maybe tomorrow.