I love to run. Except when I don't love it.
The past couple months I have not loved to run. I am training for a marathon and it has felt like a job more than a hobby. And definitely not a hobby that was fun.
I have some things going on physically right now that have forced me to slow down this week. And, as usual, when I slow down I have time to take a hard look at what I'm doing and the decisions that I'm making.
Somewhere in the past couple of years I've let my perspective shift. In my training if I wasn't going for faster than I needed to be going farther. And if not farther, then faster. So, when this marathon cycle came along all I could think was that I had to go for a PR. I have put so much pressure on myself to do it that I've literally obsessed over my key workouts to the point I'm driving my own self crazy. Whether it was a marathon pace run or a lactate threshold run I was worrying and justifying and bargaining in my mind in the days leading up to it. If I hit the workout then I chided myself for being so silly and worrying so much. If I didn't then I berated myself for not being mentally strong enough.
I've been joking with friends that somewhere along the line my mind must've gotten confused and maybe I believed that my performance actually mattered in the grand scheme of my life. Like, I'm trying to make the Olympic Trials? (um, NO!). Or I have sponsorships riding on my results (again, NO!). I joked about how silly I was being but in the back of my mind I still wanted to perform.
Why? What makes me tick like this that I can't just do something and be good at it. That deep down I want to be the best. And I've let that become my identity. Lacey The Fast Runner. That is how I feel worthy. I've let it define me.
And I can sit here and wax poetic forever about how very ridiculous/pathetic that is but right now I'm so deep in thoughts and emotions that its difficult. I could list 10 things immediately that should come higher than that but I suck at most of them so running was the easiest one to grab onto.
So, right now that's where I am. I'm forcing myself to back off of Peak to Creek training. I want to get back to loving my runs again. Being joyful again. And I also need to prepare myself for the day I can no longer run because, sadly, that day may be coming faster than I want.
So, dear friends, when you ask me how my running is or what I'm training for an I mumble a reply please understand its not you, it me. And I'm trying to figure out exactly what that means.
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Today I came home after I dropped the kids off at school and went back to sleep. There I said it. My name is Lacey and I went back to sleep. Go ahead and judge me if you must.
I know I've talked a lot about finding my groove once I had all my kids in school. I certainly haven't found it yet and I don't intend to spend all my newfound free time sleeping. BUT I'll be honest with you. I worked my ass off the last 11 years of my life. I know all of us moms have. So I'm not trying to say that I've had it harder than the vast majority of my friends (especially my military friends), I'm just acknowledging that it was a heck of a lot of work.
So you know what, I'm gonna take a little bit of time and enjoy this. I'm not going to run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to fill up the empty space. When I don't have something to do I'm going to go home put my feet up and read a book. I'm gonna take that afternoon nap. And yes some days I'm even going to go home and go back to sleep.
Volunteer opportunities galore await me. And I fully intend to jump in and help out. For so many years I've had to say no because of the sheer magnitude of work required to keep a family of six afloat. But this year with seven free hours every day I am for sure less encumbered. When I get the notice that they need someone to help at the book fair I would love to do that. When I hear the librarian could use a hand scanning and shelving books I can be her girl. When it's time for cardboard challenge day you can bet I'll be there all day helping my kids build wonderful creations. I've already said yes to Backpack Pals doing my part to make sure that the less fortunate kids at PES don't go hungry over the weekends. I'm also excited to have time to join a Bible study. To run without the clock ticking in my head that it's almost time for preschool pick up. And to be able to focus a little bit more time and energy on Stella and Dot.
All of that and more await me, I am sure. But not just right this second. Right this second I'm feeling incredibly rested after a perfect morning nap. And I'm trying my hardest not to feel guilty.
PS - please let me do a trunk show for you! Pretty please? I would love to!
PPS - look at this sale! I love this scarf!!! www.stelladot.com/laceytrumbo