Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A Little Sad in 'Hood (Mother"hood" that is)

Well, this next post was supposed to be all about the most wonderful experience I had on Sunday with the pink party to celebrate yours truly and my soon to be born little wonder. But I just can't do it right now - I'm feeling so down and deflated about this job I'm doing that it would be silly to post that and then follow it with this downer. So I decided to get this out of the way and then in a couple of days I'll post my glowing report of my shower.
I think one of my bigger fears would be one of my children looking at me one day and saying "Mom, why on earth did you have so many of us if this is how you were going to act . . . " just typing that brings big tears down my cheeks. I speak so glowingly about this calling to raise up children and to not be afraid of big numbers and what joy children are and right now I'm not feelin' ANY OF IT. I guess it was just time I got back to being real on my blog and instead of glossing it over I wanted to share with all my mom friends out there that right now I am not super mom. I am "get by mom" or "barely present mom" or "dreaming of an escape mom". My temper is so short, my energy is so low. I feel like all I do is say NO. Or Maybe Later. Or Just Give Me a Second PLEASE! And you know, probably all this is normal but its not ok and I hate it. My children are not feeling delighted in or enjoyed right now. Hopefully the worst they are feeling is that I'm just trying to endure them. Because the alternative is that they feel resented, or barely tolerated . . . and that would be a pretty crappy way for the woman who gave you life to make you feel.
And yes, I'm pregnant, and tired and large but I wish I could say that was what this all is but its not. I can't say I wouldn't be feeling this way even if I was fit and trim and not enormous and pregnant. (And on a side note WHY have I chosen to listen to the song "Letters From War" as I type this . . . seriously am I a sick masochist?).
So that is how I'm feeling. I'm not going to try and tie this up neatly because right now my emotions are raw and I don't feel tied up - I feel torn up. So I'll leave it at that. Thanks for reading and listening to me. It means a lot.

10 comments:

Stephanie said...

Oh Lacey I wish I could give you a big hug. You have summed up so honestly the way I felt for 9 months.

While you may not feel like super mom, you are a super mom. You are super human too. It's okay to be human.

I love you. Call me if you need to chat. Or cry. Or both. Lord knows I've called you to do both.

Susan said...

Lacey,
Please know you're not alone in your feelings. Trust me when I say I feel like you do - ALL THE TIME. I get stressed. I yell (a lot), I say no constantly. And I go to bed feeling guilty most nights. What can we do? Our best, I guess. Anyway, if you ever feel like you're the worst mom ever, know that it isn't true - I already have that title!

David and Red said...

I wish I had lots of encouraging things to say, but I'll just say I love you and I'm praying for you. And not just today or on your crappy days, but always. love you!

Amanda said...

Lacey, this blog post could very well be on my blog as well! Minus the huge and pregnant part, but maybe replaced with PPD or nearing it. I too feel like I'm not cut out for this job as a Mom right now! But I know and trust in Him to get me through. This too shall pass...is what I keep telling myself. I'm here if you need anything or want to get away. I could use it too! ;) Hugs to you girl!

drkyle98 said...

Lacey,

God created mothers, you and He knows our limits and our weaknesses. He knows that we will have moments when we do not reflect his love to those around us, even the children He has blessed us to raise up to know Him. When you feel like you have faltered and you are barely tolerating your children, find solace in your Father. Your children do not have the capacity to feel like you are not doing as good of a job as you hope to. They know you love them immensely. They know that you are fun and funny. These days of survival will be over all too quickly and with them will go the belly cuddles and wet kisses. It isn't easy and it isn't pretty but you are doing it. I love you for your frankness. I love you for your honesty. Your support and friendship help me be a better mom. I only pray that my love and encouragement can help you in that way. You are blessing your children every moment of their lives no matter how you might be feeling, don't ever doubt it. And when you are feeling particularly annoyed....pray for them. I love you.

vicduncan said...

You are in a boat that has been shared by many, including me. Remember that He always wants to meet you where you are,and he loves it when you KNOW you need a Savior. We spend a lot of our time feeling self-sufficient, so days of need remind us how weak we are and allow us to see Him meet our need, or just BE with us in it. "Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" Ps. 62:8

davidnlisa said...

Lacey, I have enjoyed catching up with you and your family through your thoughtful blog. Of course it was this post that compelled me to respond though...Thank you for making me feel NORMAL! As I perused previous blogs I thought to myself at times, "wow, I need to get my act together, she has 3 kiddos, is pregnant, and is really on top of it!! Sheesh!" The reality is often as you mentioned; that we do not feel like SuperMom and often wish we could petition for a REAL day off. In the end, after reading this post, I have come to believe you are SUPERMOM...mostly because of your authenticity, humility, and willingness to say it like it is. What other qualities does a Mom really need? God created us as we are and gave us the exact children we have for a Holy purpose...He never expected us to be Perfect! Thank God! You are an amazing wife, friend and mother. Consider your "funk" just a way God allows us to take a day off and allow Him to fill the gaps...If we do it all, all the time, where is there room for Him anyway? Love, Lisa (give my best to that hubby of yours)

Sweet Peas said...

Lacey, I just want you to know I feel your pain. You put it perfectly for my life right now too! I am just getting by myself with Josh being gone and being sick for the last month with a sinus infection but they shouldn't be that way and I feel soo much guilt with how I am treating them as well. I love you and please know you are not in this alone and God chose you to be their mommy!

Leah said...

My dear Lacey, I just checked your blog and I felt compelled to write. My family and I always feel as if we are just swimming upstream. I often wonder if we don't take enough time to enjoy our lives and sometimes I feel like I am just ticking off time till the next event.
Motherhood is hard. It requires a strong woman, a tough lady whose faith is tested in fire daily. God Bless your struggle lady because if you can't hang we are all screwed. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sweet Peas said...

How are you doing girl? I pray that God will guide you through this thing we call "mommyhood"! love you and miss seeing you!