I think one of my bigger fears would be one of my children looking at me one day and saying "Mom, why on earth did you have so many of us if this is how you were going to act . . . " just typing that brings big tears down my cheeks. I speak so glowingly about this calling to raise up children and to not be afraid of big numbers and what joy children are and right now I'm not feelin' ANY OF IT. I guess it was just time I got back to being real on my blog and instead of glossing it over I wanted to share with all my mom friends out there that right now I am not super mom. I am "get by mom" or "barely present mom" or "dreaming of an escape mom". My temper is so short, my energy is so low. I feel like all I do is say NO. Or Maybe Later. Or Just Give Me a Second PLEASE! And you know, probably all this is normal but its not ok and I hate it. My children are not feeling delighted in or enjoyed right now. Hopefully the worst they are feeling is that I'm just trying to endure them. Because the alternative is that they feel resented, or barely tolerated . . . and that would be a pretty crappy way for the woman who gave you life to make you feel.
And yes, I'm pregnant, and tired and large but I wish I could say that was what this all is but its not. I can't say I wouldn't be feeling this way even if I was fit and trim and not enormous and pregnant. (And on a side note WHY have I chosen to listen to the song "Letters From War" as I type this . . . seriously am I a sick masochist?).
So that is how I'm feeling. I'm not going to try and tie this up neatly because right now my emotions are raw and I don't feel tied up - I feel torn up. So I'll leave it at that. Thanks for reading and listening to me. It means a lot.