A Little Sad in 'Hood (Mother"hood" that is)

Well, this next post was supposed to be all about the most wonderful experience I had on Sunday with the pink party to celebrate yours truly and my soon to be born little wonder. But I just can't do it right now - I'm feeling so down and deflated about this job I'm doing that it would be silly to post that and then follow it with this downer. So I decided to get this out of the way and then in a couple of days I'll post my glowing report of my shower.

I think one of my bigger fears would be one of my children looking at me one day and saying "Mom, why on earth did you have so many of us if this is how you were going to act . . . " just typing that brings big tears down my cheeks. I speak so glowingly about this calling to raise up children and to not be afraid of big numbers and what joy children are and right now I'm not feelin' ANY OF IT. I guess it was just time I got back to being real on my blog and instead of glossing it over I wanted to share with all my mom friends out there that right now I am not super mom. I am "get by mom" or "barely present mom" or "dreaming of an escape mom". My temper is so short, my energy is so low. I feel like all I do is say NO. Or Maybe Later. Or Just Give Me a Second PLEASE! And you know, probably all this is normal but its not ok and I hate it. My children are not feeling delighted in or enjoyed right now. Hopefully the worst they are feeling is that I'm just trying to endure them. Because the alternative is that they feel resented, or barely tolerated . . . and that would be a pretty crappy way for the woman who gave you life to make you feel.

And yes, I'm pregnant, and tired and large but I wish I could say that was what this all is but its not. I can't say I wouldn't be feeling this way even if I was fit and trim and not enormous and pregnant. (And on a side note WHY have I chosen to listen to the song "Letters From War" as I type this . . . seriously am I a sick masochist?).

So that is how I'm feeling. I'm not going to try and tie this up neatly because right now my emotions are raw and I don't feel tied up - I feel torn up. So I'll leave it at that. Thanks for reading and listening to me. It means a lot.

My Pink Party

On Sunday afternoon I had one of the best few hours ever. I was surrounded by women who love me and support me in this life of motherhood to celebrate the coming arrival of Jane Dare and to be showered with wonderful gifts. Words can not begin to express how overwhelmed I was by all these women I am blessed enough to know and love. I know these days baby showers are a dime a dozen but I realized on Sunday how wonderful it is to celebrate EVERY baby and to never underestimate what it means to the mom-to-be to have the event celebrated. Its easy for me to get "too busy" to attend or honor these events but after the feelings I had on Sunday I will always remember . . . and try to do MY best to remember what it meant to me and what it might mean for this expectant mother.

As you can see from the pictures Troy went all out in making a truly beautiful shower for me. It was all pink and brown which I just adore and the theme was around a momma bird preparing her nest for a new baby. So the (GORGEOUS!!!) invitations, decor, petit four cakes and even the cookies all matched that theme. The food was delicious - I skipped lunch to ensure I would be hungry enough and it worked! When I'm nursing I can't eat dairy because it causes very unhappy babies so this shower's menu centered around all things cheese! It was a dream come true for this cheese lover.

And, of course, I left with so many wonderful things to welcome my new love bug. I came home and spent the evening putting away all sorts of special things I'd received including the most beautiful handmade diaper bag that my mom created for Jane Dare - I LOVE it.

To top it all of my dear friend Redonna drove all the way up to celebrate with us. Truly - it could not have been a better day.

Thank you to all the woman who showered me with love - most especially to Troy whose friendship I value more than words can express!

My Husband is Awesome

My husband is awesome. In fact, he is the best husband in the whole wide world. No other husband is as good. So there - I said it - watcha gonna do about it? Now, I hope that every married woman who reads this will vehemently disagree with me because I wish nothing but wonderful, happy marriages for all the couples I know - but don't post about your wonderful husband on my comments. Start your own blog and write it there, kay?

What has brought out all of these gooshy feelings for my other half? Well, its just little things that he does that reminds me how blessed I am to have him. One of those things is shopping for clothes for our kids. He loves to do this and he will go out all on his own and shop for them and bring home the most wonderful finds. Its not the stuff factor really that makes me love him - its that he gets as much joy out of doing things for our kids as I do - he is an amazing father - and this just illustrates that.

Last weekend Jake and he headed to the GAP because we'd both read about their new line of 1969 jeans that are supposed to be GAP's answer to Sevens, Joe's etc. In fact, Ryan told me more about how they hired away designers from these top labels, etc, and started fresh to make this new GAP brand. AND then we found out they were on sale for $20 off - so he simply had to go and get some jeans that would make his butt look even more fabulous (my words, not his). When he and Jake returned home a few hours later their shopping bag held 2 pairs of jeans for Ryan and a whole bunch of other stuff for our kids. I got to sit on the bed and watch excitedly as he showed off all his finds! And he got the most adorable stuff. I tried to put pictures in but it was too much trouble so if you are curious here are just a couple of examples!

http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=26043&vid=1&pid=665813 - for Ainsley

http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=42572&vid=1&pid=663100 - for Jane Dare

http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=42543&vid=1&pid=664063 - for Reid

http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=26210&vid=1&pid=664998 - for Jake

What a guy!

I'm Hot

I'm hot and large and tired. There you go - that sums up the "how are you" portion of this post.

Today is the first Saturday since Ryan has been home that we haven't been packing, unpacking, frantically searching for housing, moving in to found housing or traveling. July is just like a big huge blur, in fact. But this weekend not only did we make minimal plans but Ryan also had a DONSA so we got to enjoy starting our weekend a day early. So far its been great. We both got quite a few things done yesterday, today has continued to be productive, and we have a great party to look forward to tonight with fun people and good food (if we can survive this heat). Last night we got to have Troy and her kiddos over and there are few things that we enjoy more. Its such a wonderful time even amongst the screaming (mostly the kids) and general chaos of 7 kids vs. 3 adults.

My project for this weekend has been to tackle my van. I was motivated by the aforementioned Troy and some not so subtle comments from my parents :) I think its also a form of nesting in preparation for the new baby. Since we are in a rental that I don't like too much and have no intention of decorating I have to find new outlets for this stage of pregnancy. I think its a good thing because my van is a worthy project. I pulled out all the car seats and they are being scrubbed down and the covers washed. I scrubbed and vacuumed and rubbed and polish the interior. I washed and buffed the exterior. Now I just need to shampoo the interior rugs and order some new protective mats that I feel sure will do wonders for my sanity. And we are finally getting a couple of dents on the hood fixed this week SO my ride will feel brand new. Oh what a feeling :)

And finally I've been feeling kind of down just because I'm so not prepared for this baby. There are lots of things left to buy (contrary to popular belief you do not "have it all" by the 4th baby). Rather you have tons of worn out, over-used things that need to be replaced. I need to clean out the car seat and put new batteries in the bouncy chair and have at least a few special things that are just for her. All of this has fallen by the wayside in light of my other daily tasks. But then my dear Troy (I should have just titled this post "Have I Mentioned My Friend Troy?" informed me that she was throwing me a Pink Party & Baby Shower. Because in her opinion (and I couldn't agree more) EVERY baby is special and should be celebrated, whether it be number 1 or number 8. Who am I to argue with such wisdom. The thought of gathering with friends to celebrate this babies arrival has just done wonders for my spirit. I'm so excited for it and even got to put together a couple little registries. Nothing too big but just some of the basics I could use. What I really love about the registry is that even if I'm the only person to use it, its a very helpful list to help me keep my thoughts straight on what is left to do and get before Jane Dare comes into this world! Plus I got coupons :)

OK, my wonderful hubby is back from his trek to the trampoline with my kids. I love him so and I'd better sign off.