Thursday, April 30, 2009

Funk

This is my 100th post I just realized. Hard to believe I've posted that many times in the little over a year since I started this blog but I guess I have. So it seems like I should have something funny or heartwarming to share but I don't. I am in a total funk right now. I was talking to a dear friend today and was telling her its just one of those funks where you kind of want to crawl in a hole and stay there until you snap out of it. Because when I feel like this I absolutely can't trust myself around others. I'm either prickly and distant or overly weepy and emotional. And I hate going into a situation knowing I'm going to act that way and I hate the feelings that linger after those encounters. I just can't be trusted.

Why am I in a funk? Well, of course, I miss Ryan like crazy. But that is nothing new in our marriage - our in our relationship as a whole. This summer it will have been 14 years since we met and fell in love and those years have held a lot of separation and heartache. It doesn't ever ache less but I have developed a number of coping mechanisms. Right now though my funk has more to do with just missing his companionship as my best friend than with being tired of single parenting, etc.

But there is more to my funk than Ryan being gone. I've realized in the past few days that its coming to the end of an era here in Clarksville for us and there are tears on my cheeks just typing that. This time has meant some of the sweetest, deepest most real friendships I have ever experienced. And while I'm leaving soon most of those friendships are leaving sooner and that has me in mourning. I suck at being a long distance friend. S - U - C - K, suck at it. And so I'm afraid of losing what I have. Will I still call M just to complain when my kids are whiney? Will N still call me with crazy, random questions that then morphs into 15 minute long laugh fests? What about when we can't count on S & C to invite us over for their famous Sunday cookouts? And that doesn't even begin on the dear ones we will leave behind when we move. I honestly don't know that I will ever, ever, ever have again what I have right now and it scares me to death. Because I know friendships like this aren't commonplace. I know they are nothing to be taken for granted.

And I've learned so much from my friends here. I've learned about selfless hospitality - TRUE hospitality. When I lived in Virginia it was entertaining - not being hospitable. And that was pressure and status and keeping up with the Joneses which is as far from true hospitality as you can get. But here I've learned what it is to say "come as you are" and to say it often. I've learned how to be a better phone friend. I generally stink at talking on the phone but I've learned to how to have short conversations that manage to cover the whole gamut in rapid fire style. I've been shown what it is to be selfless with your time. How many house calls has my favorite pediatrician made? Too many to count. I've seen what it means to really embrace life and go all out for every opportunity. To not let life pass you by but to take charge and make each day count. I've learned true generosity - from the heart giving that has blessed me to my very core. I've learned all this and so much more.

And so I know that is contributing heavily to my current funk. I've got little over a month and then many will begin to drift away. Its not going to get easier over these next few weeks but I pray that I'll find solace in the special times we have left together.

And on a final note - a little something so this doesn't end totally sappy - I learned today that crayon bits seem to pass through the system and re-enter the world in their original color. Fascinating.

4 comments:

David and Red said...

Aw, I love you and just want to come give you a big hug. Then, I read your last thought and literally LOL. Then I thought about how that sums up our relationship...seriously important, supportive & loving and super fun and crazy. You know you remain in my prayers, and I'm just a call away. xoxo

Troy said...

I know I am not one of the ones moving but I feel your grief over friends that are moving away! You don't suck as a long distance friend, you are a busy mom and have little time to keep in touch. You are a wonderful long distance friend. I know many of your long distance friends by name, kids, and circumstances you have shared. As another terrible correspondent, I take comfort that we'll have the kind of friendship that will pick back up like no time has passed and there won't be any judgement in the meantime. I'll just miss you and this time we have grown into more than just friends.....how blessed we are to get to choose some of our family! And in case you ever wonder, you can be distant and emotional and weepy and grumpy and whatever else you are feeling because I love you.

Sarah said...

I balled when I read this. The funk will be shared. I don't think R had recovered from his last one (funk) fully!!! I can't even begin to tell you the hole in our hearts when ALL of you (that you mentioned!!) leave and when YOU leave!

Kimiko said...

i have nothing to add--just wanted to let you know i was here and didn't want to silently stalk.