The Truth About Fear

Every time Ryan leaves it’s hard and sad and I worry.  For whatever reason, this time around the build up to deployment has been different. Worse.  I feel my heart being gripped by fear on a regular basis.  The more I let that fear work its way into my mind the worse it becomes.  Is it a premonition? Possibly.  Is it Satan? Certainly.  So what should my response be when I know that the Devil is at work? 

Thankfully, I was reminded this morning, by a dear lady,  that the answer is clear. I immediately need to turn to prayer.  What if it is a premonition that something bad is coming?  Then I need to storm the gates of heaven with my heart and soul and tears to ask our Sovereign God to protect us in the midst of danger.  What if it’s just my mind running away with me?  Then prayer is exactly where I need to focus my energy to make my mind less of a playground for the Devil.  You see, I can do nothing to change what God has ordained from the creation of the world.  I am in control of nothing.  Nothing in Afghanistan, nothing to keep a crazy from my kids’ schools, nothing to keep a distracted driver from mowing down my minivan.  But, I can be in control of my mind.  I can take every thought captive.  I can seek truth and shun lies.

I allow my mind to be deceived every single day.  I believe that I am too busy to spend time in the Word.  I believe that I am too distracted to dedicate myself to praying.  And I believe the lies whispered in my ear by the great deceiver … that I’m not likeable, I’m not special, I’m not worthy, I’m not ENOUGH.   But, when I breathe in deep and take a moment through the haze and grit of those lies, I see the Father shaking His head NO.  Telling me to come to Him and to lay my burdens down and listen as He whispers truth into my ear.  That He created me.  That He finds me beautiful.  That to Him I am enough.

You see, if I would just give His love one tenth of the time I give the Devil in my head, He would overwhelm and overtake me with His truth.  And that is where I am going to leave this for today.  Because there is no neat wrap up or cherry on top.  Just the deep truth that fear and insecurity are not from my Savior.  And for today, and for each day, I will try to lift my eyes above the fog to His welcoming embrace.

 Jake watching Daddy float down out of the sky.  Circa January 2009.

On the first day of Christmas break my children gave to me...

1 bloody tooth (courtesy of Ainsley punching Jake in the mouth this morning. He and Reid were rough housing and Ains kept getting caught in the crossfire. I warned them repeatedly to calm down and when they didn't she clocked him. The tooth was obviously loose already and I felt badly for him but not too badly. He had it coming).

2 belly laughs ....Ainsley woke up this morning and walked out in the living room and said to Reid, "hey Reid, my first name is really Ains and my last name is really Ley..how about that?" and I laughed so hard. Where does she come up with this stuff? The second laugh came when I relayed the story to a friend.

3 soaking wet items from my grocery bag. It's kind of hard to explain how this one happend but I will give it a try. Reid and Jane Dare had a mid morning bath/playtime in the tub. When I turned my back for one minute to take something to my room someone (Reid) hatched the plan to hop out of the tub, run across the kitchen, pull a new pack of diapers and two baking ingredients I'd just purchased at Walmart out of the shopping bag and take them into the bathtub with them. Pretty sure Reid's hiney is still red from that spanking.

4 annoyed customers. The other people who were waiting in the customer service line with us at Walmart when the computer malfunctioned and our wait stretched on and on. As each minute ticked by my kids got increasingly loud, antsy, naughty, did I mention loud? It was torturous. By the time wr finally got to the front of the line I quickly purchased my stamps and scurried out without making eye contact with anyone.

5 extra pounds. Christmas baking with children means lots of rejects. I am a major stress eater and so every squabble, scream and tear resulted in another cookie being popped in my mouth. I can feel my pants growing tighter by the minute.

I am pretty sure if we did have a partridge in a pear tree around here it would have run for its life hours ago. I might not be far behind.

October 13th

Things are trucking along out here in Pinehurst. Its been so hot the past few days but finally we had a beautiful day today and while I crave the coolness that fall should bring I'm still trying to enjoy it. I know I'll be sick of the cold in no time . . . all the work it brings putting shoes on and jackets on! One thing I won't miss is mosquitoes! Ugh! I am so sick of those nasty little things. Ainsley will now track me down and present me with a cotton ball and the calomine lotion if she get attacked before I've sprayed her down with Off. I hear that they finally die after two frosts and at this point it feels like that is never going to happen. Thankfully its cool enough that we have been able to enjoy our fireplace outside in the evenings. That may be one of the best investments in family time we will ever make. Plus it brings out the pyromaniac in all of us . . . and better to have our kids do it in our presence than on their own :)

Ainsley is on the final few days of her two week fall break (Pre-K can be pretty grueling, you know). I've really enjoyed the time with her these past couple weeks. She and Reid are so sweet to each other and play so nicely together when Jake isn't around. Speaking of Jake he had a half day of school today and it was so nice to have a relaxing afternoon around the house with him. Really makes me wish we could put him in a half day kindergarten but I know at this point its more important to keep him stable . . . plus he has a really great teacher at Pinehurst Elementary.

I've been trying to get back in my groove of waking up early to spend time with the Lord (on the days that I don't go out and run). Its a wonderful time for me and I really treasure that peace and quiet before the craziness of the day starts. Reid did thwart me this morning as he showed up in our room about 5 minutes before my alarm went off and snuggled up to me. I could not make myself leave him so I got up an hour later then I'd planned! But even so Jake got fed and dressed and sent off to school on time.

Is anyone else watching the show Sister Wives on TLC. Its pure craziness but I can't keep myself from watching. If you missed it you might be out of luck because I think the season finale is next week . . . better luck next time!

Alright people, that's all I've got for you. Back to your regularly scheduled lives ;)

What Day Is It?

Seriously, I hate coming up with titles to my blog. They are either inane and stupid or they set me up to say something spectacular which (often) does not happen. Whatev. I just have to get a new blog up so the first thing newcomers read isn't the story of how I failed Jake. I should probably ease people into that. Hopefully if people are coming to my blog via facebook they have already looked at my pictures and seen the hats I made for school startup or my crafty banner for JD's birthday and they are all like "how is she so awesomely awesome". And then they mosey over here to my blog and read that and think "hmmm, not so awesome". Its kinda a good reminder to all of us that facebook let's us put forward whatever face we want - so take it all with a grain of salt. But if you know me you know I am all about honesty and being forthcoming with my flaws and imperfections!

Jane Dare turned one on September 9th and it was a great day in which we celebrated the joy she is in our lives. That little girl has just about every member of our family wrapped around her little finger. She and Jake adore each other and just this morning Jake asked me if we could have a bunch more babies when Jane Dare gets big. And don't even get me started on her daddy - when I kid him about it he just gets a sheepish grin on his face that makes me love him even more (if that is possible). The other day Jane Dare was in our room messing with our modem (I would NEVER get anything done if I didn't let her) and Ryan came in and caught us. He looked at her and jokingly said "THAT's what happens to my internet you little hussy" and her whole face clouded over and she just started to sob. Well I thought Ryan was going to DIE. I'm pretty sure that will be the last time he ever scolds her. I can so easily see now how the baby of the family can get spoiled. None of my other kids nursed until they were over a year but here I am just now finally getting her weaned. Its hard to tell that little thing no!

And now a moment to make all you moms feel better about yourselves

I know that title is a little bit long but bear with me. I'm traumatized. I found out today on the 6th day of kindergarten that I have been screwing up snack time for Jake ever since we started full time school a week ago. Somehow there was a miscommunication and I thought they just did drinks at snack time so I've been sending money for juice or milk. Well, today in the kindergarten newsletter there was a reminder to all parents to "please remember to send in a snack for your child as its a long school day and the children get very hungry". I think I stopped breathing for a minute when I read that. So as I was sitting with Jake doing his homework I asked him about it and he dissolved into tears. Told me (through sobs) that everyone else had a snack and he didn't have any. At this point I was contemplating suicide. Then he went in his closet and cried even harder. Now I'm thinking about contacting someone to waterboard me and then they can kill me.

That's it. I have no happy ending. But rest assured there is snack packed for tomorrow. Then a friend sent me this link and it made me smile again. My favorite one is "Google does not have children" . . . http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=taDqKWWPDAY

A Good Reminder

Last Thursday I was in a bit of a funk - a pity party, if you will - because my day was not turning out as I had planned and so I decided to feel sorry for myself. You know the drill, no one likes me, I'm so bored, I lack motivation, blah blah blah blah blah. Now, if I was in charge of the universe and I looked down and saw someone indulging in such self pity I'd probably just let them wallow in it until they could get a grip on themselves. But that is not what my loving heavenly Father did. Instead He sent me four reminders through the day of some of the special women he has put into my life.

1 - I was reminded that I have a friend who would drive many hours to beat up someone who she has perceived has wronged me. No questions asked. Which most likely mean she would be beating up someone who didn't deserve it but that is the kind of friend she is.

2 - I was shown the love of a friend who despite an overwhelming schedule and amount of demands on her would make an effort to put the feelings of my son first. This would involve shoe-horning a lunch with my Jake into their day so that he would not have to be disappointed when circumstances necessitated we cancel our plans (rest assured I talked her down off the ledge of guilt and refused to let her add something else to her plate - there is plenty of time for that).

3 - I was reminded of the love of a friend as we shared our hearts with one another over the clatter of my four children on my side of the phone and the noise of her four children (plus one extra) on her end of the line. As we encouraged one another and laughed and shared prayer requests . . . my heart was lifted.

4 - I was able to watch two girls who I love dearly encourage one another via facebook - sharing love and support and planning a time that they could be together despite the fact that one lives in C-ville and the other in the Boro. And I knew that they would offer the same love and encouragement to me any time I needed it.

Thankfully by the next day I could so clearly see these blessings and all the Lord has given me and rejoice rather than mope! What an awesome God we serve and what blessings He has bestowed on me.

Just Another Sunday Night

Thought I'd share some pictures with you of what's just another night at our house

A little couch acrobatics

Some hard core teething

Showing off his new toy (purchased with allowance & tooth fairy cash)

Portrait by Ainsley (don't mind the cleavage. I assure you I don't!)

More of aforementioned acrobatics. . . yes he is doing what it looks like.

Reid's best Tommy Boy impression

It's hard to be this gorgeous! And for pete sake why am I still in my Sunday dress at 6:30 pm!