Every time Ryan leaves it’s hard and sad and I worry. For whatever reason, this time around the build up to deployment has been different. Worse. I feel my heart being gripped by fear on a regular basis. The more I let that fear work its way into my mind the worse it becomes. Is it a premonition? Possibly. Is it Satan? Certainly. So what should my response be when I know that the Devil is at work?
Thankfully, I was reminded this morning, by a dear lady, that the answer is clear. I immediately need to turn to prayer. What if it is a premonition that something bad is coming? Then I need to storm the gates of heaven with my heart and soul and tears to ask our Sovereign God to protect us in the midst of danger. What if it’s just my mind running away with me? Then prayer is exactly where I need to focus my energy to make my mind less of a playground for the Devil. You see, I can do nothing to change what God has ordained from the creation of the world. I am in control of nothing. Nothing in Afghanistan, nothing to keep a crazy from my kids’ schools, nothing to keep a distracted driver from mowing down my minivan. But, I can be in control of my mind. I can take every thought captive. I can seek truth and shun lies.
I allow my mind to be deceived every single day. I believe that I am too busy to spend time in the Word. I believe that I am too distracted to dedicate myself to praying. And I believe the lies whispered in my ear by the great deceiver … that I’m not likeable, I’m not special, I’m not worthy, I’m not ENOUGH. But, when I breathe in deep and take a moment through the haze and grit of those lies, I see the Father shaking His head NO. Telling me to come to Him and to lay my burdens down and listen as He whispers truth into my ear. That He created me. That He finds me beautiful. That to Him I am enough.
You see, if I would just give His love one tenth of the time I give the Devil in my head, He would overwhelm and overtake me with His truth. And that is where I am going to leave this for today. Because there is no neat wrap up or cherry on top. Just the deep truth that fear and insecurity are not from my Savior. And for today, and for each day, I will try to lift my eyes above the fog to His welcoming embrace.
Jake watching Daddy float down out of the sky. Circa January 2009.