Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Disenchanted

Lately I feel disenchanted. I love using this word even though it doesn't represent very positive feelings or emotions - it actually makes me feel a little less disenchanted. But then I begin to ruminate on life again and, whoops, there it is . . . disenchanted.
What is it causing me to feel so blah. I mean, I have on official friend now (see comment on my Observations blog), Ryan is home (for now), the kids are finally adjusting . . .
But then there are those last 5 pounds of pregnancy weight I can't get off now matter how much I run (or how many chocolate chip cookies I eat. Oh, wait.), the fact that I occasionally feel like I'm in junior high again when I'm trying to make a connection with other moms, Jane Dare's new pattern of waking multiple times at night, but mostly I know it has to do with the spiritual environment in my home. Or lack thereof.
I've become so lazy in making time with the Father a priority. I've let family worship time become a distant memory. I'm not being purposeful in my parenting, discipline, and homemaking. And rather than feeling motivated and excited to turn over a new leaf and start over I feel discouraged because I don't want to fail again. Jake is 5 - these days with him are precious and he'll never be so impressionable again. I feel like if I (we) screw up again we may never recover those lost opportunities.
Where does all this leave me? I don't know. I got up early this morning to try again in spending time in prayer and the Word. I got in about 10 minutes before Jane Dare and then Reid woke up. But its a start. I ordered some resources on the Internet last night and I'm excited to see how all those goes. And most importantly my wonderful husband and I are communicating on working together on this. What a blessing. So, I'll keep you posted. And in the meantime a few of you may be getting a tap on the shoulder requesting some accountability help. I sure need it.

5 comments:

Kari said...

I remember this time in my own life. Someone gave me a piece of simple advice that truly set me free from the guilt that I was not doing everything right. What they said was that this season of your life filled with the needs of little ones is not the same season in which you will spend hours a day in the Word. All God really asks of you right now is to REST in HIm and show His Love and Grace to your little ones. A loving smile and prompt diaper change conveys His love better than many hours of Bible memory.
In order not to neglect yourself, get creative with your spiritual nourishment. Soak it up when you can. Put worship songs on in the car or read one verse in the morning and then meditate and pray while you are in the shower or whatever. Reflect on the fact that God loves you and has you and those little ones in His hand. And this Love will not change based on your performance as a Christian. REST in HIM.

Stephanie said...

I have no words, no suggestions. I think we're mirroring each other so much these days. Know that you are not alone. I too feel like I'm back in middle school. Hugs!

Amanda said...

It's funny how when we as moms, friends, wives, etc are transparent with our lives how much we find that we have so much more in common than we initially thought! Know that you are not alone! Thinking of and praying for you!

vicduncan said...

I can so relate. Try www.thelearningparent.blogspot.com. It is the Boyer family blog. They have either 12 or 14 kids and have tons of tips. Reading their blog usually helps me put things in to perspective, as well as loosen my creative spiritual juices.

practice blog said...

Finally got a google account :) So I can comment! For once, I won't pontificate over grace theology, though that wouldn't be bad, but offer something totally practical! We have been using some short, audio devotionals from CBHministries.com under keys for kids. Bible based, applications for kids. Also, check out "Smooth and Easy Days" on simplycharlottemason.com
AND...know you are loved by a fellow struggler (me) and the ONLY perfect one (Him)!