Maybe, just maybe, you can buy happiness

I mean, I don't want to make this post seem too materialistic right from the get go but I don't have that much time to beat around the bush lately. So let's get right to the point - a couple of weeks ago I pulled out Ryan's laptop, I clicked here and clicked there, I entered in my Amex number from memory (oh yes, I know it forwards and backwards including the expiration date and security code), pressed "purchase" and instantly was happier at just the prospect of what was coming. Three days later the UPS man visited (don't think I need to detail again how I feel about that) and again, happiness. But that night, as I put my purchase to the test I found pure joy. What was it that brought me such delight?

Paintbrush flannel sheets from Garnet Hill. Without a doubt the best money I have spent in a long time. Every night I get into bed and am transported to my own special world. I actually plan what pj's I'm going to wear to bed to maximize the amount of skin that will be touching the sheets without freezing my tush off during those occasional middle of the night feedings. To sum up, I did buy myself some happiness. And I highly recommend you do the same - you will not be disappointed.

The Gymnastics Show

For the past couple of years, around the time when Reid was born, Jake and Ainsley have participated in gymnastics off and on. They absolutely love it and whenever time allows I get them registered - which wasn't always as often as they would have liked. In TN they went to SKIES on post because it was low cost, the timing of the classes worked well, and (most importantly) the waiting area was big enough for my non-participants to run and play without causing me constant stress.

So when we moved here to NC I knew I wanted to get them involved in gymnastics to help ease the transition by putting them in something that would feel familiar. For some reason Ainsley started calling gymnastics class the "gymnastics show" during her last round of classes at SKIES this fall. It always makes us laugh because if you know Ainsley you know that her life is one big show. And when she is at class it is taken up a notch - she dances and prances and twirls and skips through the whole hour. When its gymnastics day she is ready to go from the time she gets out of bed and is constantly asking if she can put on her "black" - her affectionate term for her leotard. (As I'm sitting writing this she walked up and asked me about it . . .she is on top if it today!).

On Friday they tried out their new classes at Sandhills Gymnastics - Ainsley in Tumblebears and Jake in Beginner Tumbling and Tramp. They had a blast. This gym is so fantastic - especially compared to SKIES where they had a blast probably because they didn't know any better and despite their incredibly apathetic coaches. Ainsley's coach here had her number within about 5 minutes noting that a walk from point A to point B is much more complicated with an aspiring gymnast such as Ains because any opportunity to jump or twirl or bounce that might present itself along the way is immediately jumped on. Another little girl in the class figured this out too (apparently she is the self appointed watch dog of the class and since she is easily twice Ainsley's size in body weight I guess it works out) and so the coach would walk holding Ainsley's hand while the little girl would walk behind Ainsley doing her best sheepdog imitation nipping at Ainsley's heals to keep her in line.

I don't know that I am crazy about the idea of Ainsley pursuing gymnastics as she grows (its a great sport but I have concerns about the prevalence of eating disorders and high injury rate) but if ever a kid was made for it its her. She has the spunk, sass, teeny size, fearlessness, energy, stubborness - the whole package - to be good.

And yep, Jake was there too and he had a great time and was very cute too but its hard to live up to Ainsley stories in this type of situation.

Well, I better wrap this up as its almost time for the show!

Getting settled

So we are here in Pinehurst. It feels like its been forever in coming and sometimes hard to believe its actually here. I have so many emotions about it that its just about impossible to sum up how I'm feeling. I haven't lived in North Carolina as a full time resident since I was 18 - its almost surreal to be back. I can't get over the fact that my family is a two hour drive away - its something I always dreamed of. The other night I was feeling under the weather and worried I was getting sick - but what a thought it was when I realized if I needed to I could call my parents and they could come out even just for a day to nurse me back to health :) Its beautiful here in Pinehurst. When I drive around I'm constantly rubber-necking at the beautiful homes, golf courses and just the unique and wonderful terrain. I love our house. I have granite countertops - I'm not sure if there is much more to say - that pretty much sums it up. And so far most people have been very, very friendly. Oh and there is Harris Teeter. Free cookies, free balloons, tons of samples around the store, swanky products . . . my first job was as a HT cashier. Its like being home again.

BUT - I still feel like a huge outsider. I don't know where things are. I hate being the new parent at preschool - esp. when Ainsley is being Ainsley. Church shopping has proved frustrating and underwhelming. I don't have anyone to call to watch the kids so Ryan and I can go on a (much needed) date night. And I thought Ryan and I had something special with our builder's son and now he never even comes over anymore. OK, that is a joke and if it doesn't make sense its ok. I'm secure enough in my humor. And finally, as much as I love HT my shopping takes me forever because I still don't know where things are and so I wander around more than I'd like.

So, there is an update on our life for now. There are so many people I am missing and would love to catch up with on the phone but unfortunately the reality of four kids is setting in and I rarely get a spare moment let alone 15-20 minutes to chat on the phone. But if you miss me too please call me - don't just wait for me to call. It would make my day.

So, the kids are still pretty cute and pretty funny. Lately Jake has taken to using the word "soakling". As in, "Mom, if I wash my hands then they will be soakling wet". I love it. And Reid likes to say "Oh man!" and it is beyond adorable. He also is constantly asking us what we are doing. Only, the words run together and I think he gets lost in the midst of his sentence so it comes out more like "A ju, ju, do, ju, ju, doing?" And then we just repeat what he said back to him because we think its so funny. And at bedtime Ainsley has taken to asking for "A kiss" (kiss) and "a hug" (hug) and "a squeeeeeze" (squeeeeeeeeeeze). Most of Ainsley's humor is in her mannerisms which are hard to describe but if you've ever told her no and seen her hand her head, droop her shoulders and heave an enormous sigh then you know what I'm talking about. Then there is baby Jane Dare who may or may not be recovering from a direct kick to the cheek from her 23 month old brother (and yes, he had shoes on and yes, I was sitting RIGHT there when he did it). She is practically perfect in every way (the practically part due to her excessive desire to spit up). She sleeps like a champ, she coos and talks and smiles. She is a true doll baby.

So, until next time . . .

Air Assault School

Last week Ryan had a big accomplishment in his Army career thus far. He graduated from Air Assault school - a very grueling and exhausting 10 day exercise designed to weed out the weak and make the strong stronger. Well, he did it and we are so proud. Of course, we had to make sure we were at his graduation - and it was one crazy time.

I kept Jake and Ainsley (well, Reid too) out of school that day so we could all be there for his graduation. The plan had been to get a sitter for Reid and Jane Dare but, as usual, I left things til the last minute and it just didn't work out. Blessedly the ceremony was held outside so I figured at least we wouldn't be in a confined space or a room that echoes. I get to the graduation 25 minutes early and find about a million cards already there so I had to park way

far away. Which meant I had to schlep 4 kids through the makeshift parking lot, down a road, and across a rather large field. I had one kid on my shoulders, two in the jogging stroller and Jake following (very slowly) behind. Thankfully this is the Army we are talking about so I nice soldier pitched in and helped me push the stroller to the graduation site.

We got there just in time to see the grads take off for the tower where the do a demonstration of their fast roping skills which was very cool. What wasn't cool was that my kids were awed by it for about 3 seconds and then these jaded little hooligans decided to start having fun on the metal bleachers. Up and down and in and out crawling around like little monkeys. After the demo the graduates come back and stand in formation for a prayer, the national anthem and a short speech. This was about the time Reid decided he wanted to stand at the top of the bleachers and every time I put my hand up to keep him from falling he yelled "DOH" (that is how he says no) at me. So at this point I'm sweating bullets trying to keep some order when I spy a number of maroon berets in the back of the crowd. Maroon berets meant one thing - Ryan's coworkers were back there. So I then desperately began attempting to make eye contact but to no avail. However my kids shenanigans must've been loud enough because shortly two of my favorite maroon berets stepped up behind me like angels sent from heaven. Jay took Jane Dare to free up my hands and Derek took charge of Ainsley. I was saved! After that the ceremony flew by and we were able to enjoy Ryan having his pin put on by the cadre and, of course, the singing of the Army song. Thank the Lord for those guys or I don't know that I would have survived.

November . . . that's the best I can do.

Wow, its been over a month since my last blog post. I think about this blog all the time and I miss sitting down on a more regular basis to put my thoughts out there into the great abyss of cyber space. But I have been short on both time AND ideas lately and it shows in my absence here. There were so many things I somehow still made time for when I was the mother of 3 but I think that for me 4 has been that magical number that has done me in. Don't get me wrong - I'm loving life as the mom to four kids and I feel like we are not just surviving but totally thriving during this time - but its just been impossible to make time for certain things. My copy of Anne Karenina sits forlornly on my nightstand with the bookmark in just about the same space it was 2 months ago. Emails have piled up in my inbox to the point that I'm not really sure where to start sifting through them. I'm still trying to get the last of Jane Dare's birth announcements out with the thought of Christmas cards looming large over my head. I feel like not one day goes by that I'm not apologizing for someone for dropping the ball in one way or another. I actually had to resort to writing Ainsley's show and tell schedule in my daytimer because I was so frustrated with screwing up the day or the assignment or what not.

And yet, I get dinner on the table most nights. The laundry has not piled up and drowned me yet despite the fact that I'm averaging about two loads per day right now. The kids are decently groomed and most days their outfits match . . . . I occasionally even get their teeth brushed. I am getting in at least a few minutes of snuggle time with each child on a daily basis. My husband and I still love each other and enjoy being together. Sigh. As you can see I'm all over the place. Right now, if you are still reading, you are probably wishing I hadn't decided to start blogging again :)

So, you may have heard that we had a baby. Jane Dare arrived on 9-9-09 and weighed 9 lbs. 9 oz. Just kidding. That would have been cool though. That really is her birthday but her weight was a boring 7lbs 11oz. Too bad, huh? Anyway, little miss Jane Dare is absolutely a dream baby. I mean, I always went on about how wonderful Reid was and he really was a good baby but she is better. Sorry Reid. She has slept through the night the past two nights in a row (and many nights before that as well). But lately she's been sleeping from about 8 - 6:30 or so. I mean, this kid is only 10 weeks old. She barely ever cries. In fact she didn't cry at all the first 3 days of her life - it really freaked out the nurses at the hospital when she wouldn't cry right after she was born. But she was pink, breathing fine . . . so they just pronounced her the most perfect baby ever and I agree. She has been smiling for the past few weeks and her smiles are priceless. I'll just be talking to her and glance down and she is just beaming up at me. And she is starting to "talk" back to me - its so sweet!

Well, I could keep talking here but if I wrap it up now and save some of my ideas for future blogs maybe I'll get back on here again before the New Year :) Gotta go make some coffee - I'm heading to the midnight premier of New Moon tonight and I need to be wide awake!

What The World Needs . . .

Is less time spent playing video games and more time playing "Ninja"

*Costume design (i.e. underwear on head to act as ninja masks) entirely by Jake and Ainsley

A Little Sad in 'Hood (Mother"hood" that is)

Well, this next post was supposed to be all about the most wonderful experience I had on Sunday with the pink party to celebrate yours truly and my soon to be born little wonder. But I just can't do it right now - I'm feeling so down and deflated about this job I'm doing that it would be silly to post that and then follow it with this downer. So I decided to get this out of the way and then in a couple of days I'll post my glowing report of my shower.

I think one of my bigger fears would be one of my children looking at me one day and saying "Mom, why on earth did you have so many of us if this is how you were going to act . . . " just typing that brings big tears down my cheeks. I speak so glowingly about this calling to raise up children and to not be afraid of big numbers and what joy children are and right now I'm not feelin' ANY OF IT. I guess it was just time I got back to being real on my blog and instead of glossing it over I wanted to share with all my mom friends out there that right now I am not super mom. I am "get by mom" or "barely present mom" or "dreaming of an escape mom". My temper is so short, my energy is so low. I feel like all I do is say NO. Or Maybe Later. Or Just Give Me a Second PLEASE! And you know, probably all this is normal but its not ok and I hate it. My children are not feeling delighted in or enjoyed right now. Hopefully the worst they are feeling is that I'm just trying to endure them. Because the alternative is that they feel resented, or barely tolerated . . . and that would be a pretty crappy way for the woman who gave you life to make you feel.

And yes, I'm pregnant, and tired and large but I wish I could say that was what this all is but its not. I can't say I wouldn't be feeling this way even if I was fit and trim and not enormous and pregnant. (And on a side note WHY have I chosen to listen to the song "Letters From War" as I type this . . . seriously am I a sick masochist?).

So that is how I'm feeling. I'm not going to try and tie this up neatly because right now my emotions are raw and I don't feel tied up - I feel torn up. So I'll leave it at that. Thanks for reading and listening to me. It means a lot.