Well, if you've read my blog over the years you'll know I did make the move to the new job, and it was a colossal failure because the person I was working for was too difficult and I was too stubborn to back down. If one of us would have had a little more give, it may have survived but it wasn't meant to be.
People are hard, families can be even harder. They are the people we love most in the world but are also the people who have the ability to cut deepest.
A few years ago we had the opportunity to invite some of our extended family to our new mountain house for Christmas. It was a super exciting time where we were truly grateful to be able to share the realization of one our our dreams (to own property in the mountains) with our people. It was also an enormous undertaking. We closed on the house on December 3rd and spent every spare moment over the next 3 weeks shuttling back and forth between Pinehurst and Banner Elk to get ready to squeeze 16 people into a 3 bedroom cabin. Not only was the task of furnishing the house from empty to "host ready" daunting, but Ryan took on the job of organizing all of the meals, delegating some, but (per usual) keeping the majority of the heavy lifting for himself.
On our first night with everyone at the house, he decided to make Chicken and Dumpling - a family favorite that truly honors the memory of his mom, who made it for her boys. Ironically, Ryan hates having to follow rules, despite a very successful military career. So, when it comes to cooking he rarely follows an exact recipe, usually putting his own spin on it. He did so on that fateful night. You could call it "the night that Ryan ruined Christmas by adding carrots to the chicken and dumplings" or you could call it "the Christmas night that Lacey almost kicked 10 people out of her house with no regrets". As you've probably guessed by now, for whatever reason, the everyone felt comfortable letting Ryan know that he had effectively dishonored their mother's legacy by tweaking her version of that meal. Don't even get me started on the comments that were made because we used Bob Evans mashed potatoes rather than spend the day with a peeler in hand! We survived and moved on to have a nice time together, because that is what families do, but it's something I've had a hard time not remembering on occasion.
And then, last night, as we were hanging out with our extended family in town to celebrate Ryan's retirement, it was brought up again. Not only was it brought up, but the sentiment that we had done something wrong by serving a version of a meal that they didn't care for, was doubled down on. When I shared that this was a sore subject, we were chided for not being able to laugh at our "mistakes". A "mistake" is burning the eggs and saying "whoopsie, that didn't turn out like I had hoped". What is not a mistake is choosing to do something really kind for your guests, in a manner that is not 100% what they would prefer. As Ryan and I talked about it later, he made the excellent point that what would help in this case is some perspective taking. Imagine that it's your child, now grown, hosting a large group for a special occasion. On in the midst of their hard work, your extended family members shake their heads at what is given to them.
I am grateful that this has given us the opportunity to discuss with my own kids why we shouldn't react this way. When someone shares with you that a situation bothered hem, its an opportunity to step back and say "I'm sorry that happened" rather than "you need to laugh at yourself". Even if you believe you didn't do anything wrong, you can still try to find a common ground.
But, more than anything, we will move on and continue to love our family, as always, because family is forever and that is important. Because grace goes both ways, and we can't expect it if we don't give it.
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