Sunday, January 5, 2025

1.2.25

 1.2.25

It’s so cold out this morning! I sit here cuddled up in a blanket on the couch, cuddling my dog (more accurately, being bullied by my dog into petting her), drinking coffee and trying to work up the motivation to take her for a walk.  There’s going to be a cold blast the next couple of weeks which leads perfectly into my January goals.


My favorite time of year is fall into the holiday season.  It starts with the long lazy days of summer coming back into a shape and a rhythm with the schedule and structure that back-to-school brings.  Then it’s soccer and football games and homecoming dresses and school spirit.  Before you know it there are nights by the fire pit snuggled under a blanket telling stories with your family.  Then comes Thanksgiving with food and games and general family togetherness.  And BOOM, we’re decking the halls and wrapping presents and laughing at white elephant gift exchanges and quietly celebrating with glee when we’ve found the perfect gift for someone we love.  Too much food, too much wine, so much laziness in those quiet days after Christmas when I crave a few days back to life with no schedule before the hectic hits again in January.


And so, I often get a big post holiday let down in the beginning of January.  Yesterday I was reflecting on this during my morning walk with Yadi.  At the same time, I was listening to my dear friend, Ally, speak on a podcast about the divinity in the creative that we are each born with.  I began to ponder all of the things I was hearing and it stirred in my heart that I needed to reframe the way I view the calendar year.  Rather than looking at January as the end of something I love, and February as a month that I typically loathe, and focusing on the long 9 months until I get to my favorite season again, I need to find joy in each season.  And so, with that, I’ve decided to give an official Lacey Trumbo rebrand, based entirely on my own weird preferences, to time periods that I’ve created in my own weird mind.


January - February - These are now officially the cozy months.  Here is what is IN for these months:

  • Snuggling on the couch.  Definitely with my dog, preferably with Ryan.  Ideally with my children.  This will involve blankets, coffee (or wine depending on time of day) and keeping my husband company while he watches all the sports. 

  • Nesting - cleaning and decluttering as I take down decorations (at my leisure).  I will embrace Taylor Swift and leave the lights up until (through) January if I so desire).  But when I feel led to take things down, I’ll focus on removing the things that bring stress and buying more of the things that bring cozy.  Here’s to blankets and pillows!

  • Reading - Instead of feeling guilty for spending hours in the same position with a book I will celebrate a season of quiet and conscious learning.  I will, of course, keep reading the fiction I love, but also branch out and embrace books that will shed some light into my current season of spiritual reawakening. 

These things are OUT:

  • Guilt - Ok, this may be a pipe dream but as I look back at the year that was 2024 I see more progress than ever in my attempts to unshackle myself from the burden of guilt and embrace the freedom in trusting who I am.

  • Fitness goals - I will not be trying any new fads or workouts.  I will be eating as crappy as ever.  I will continue to stay as far away from the scale as possible.  

  • Trying to be the right person who says the right things at the right time.  I want to rely LESS on my high social IQ and focus more on being me in social situations.  Hopefully if I show people my true self from the start, I will avoid my past habit of getting into friendships that then dissolve when I get brave enough to find my voice. 


I don’t have the rest of the seasons hammered out in such detail but here’s what I’m thinking.


March & April - warmer days mean incorporating more outdoor exercise and trying to change up my workout routine so it doesn’t get stale.  Maybe a weekly hike somewhere cool and an outdoor bike ride where I push aside my fear of being hit by a car and embrace being outside.   Also, will be back to high school soccer!  Nights at the stadium with friends watching our girls play.  Lot’s to be excited about in that season.


May & June - this year these months will bring terminal leave, retirement ceremony, 25th wedding anniversary and a big trip with Ryan and the kids to celebrate all of those things.  I don’t think I have to do too much to frame those months!


July and August - Goal setting and preparation.  Getting ready to get after it!  

As you can see, I’ve still got a ways to go but i feel hopeful at the progress we are making! Cheers to 2025!


*absolutely not edited for clarity, brevity, typos or mistakes


1.1.25

 I’m going to try something new for 2025.  Rather than waiting to sit down when I have a fully formed blog post sketched out in my mind (which never seems to happen), I’m going to focus more on journaling.  I feel the constant pull to pour my thoughts and emotions out in the written word, but I let myself be held up knowing that what is stirring doesn’t create a full or compelling post.  So, out with the pressure of a post, and in with the cathartic healing that I experience when I write.  If the words that come out end up forming something that I can share, that is great, but I need for that to not be the ultimate goal.  I don’t like the self imposed pressure that results when a published post is the measure of success.


I have posted a few blog posts in the last few months that I didn’t link on any form of social media.  Unsurprisingly, they had very low viewership and no responses or reactions.  In a way, I’m grateful because that has led me to examine the motivation behind why I blog.  And while it’s true that I enjoy the connections that come when my words resonate with people, that isn’t the main reason that I love to blog.  It’s because of the therapeutic benefits i receive by getting my feelings out of my brain and out onto paper.


I don’t do resolutions.  I absolutely loathe the idea of new year new me.  If anything, its new year, and Lacey still on her bullshit.  But I don’t mind the idea of trying out new things!  So my new thing for 2025 is to journal more, be braver about what I post, embracing the less than perfect, enjoy the benefits I receive, and trust that if my muddled words are supposed to reach someone, the universe will make it so.


*Absolutely not edited for typos or errors.

Thursday, November 14, 2024

And Open Letter To The Church

 Dear church leadership,

I guess I should start with a "thank you".  The email we received from church leadership to let us know that one of the church pastors has been terminated "effective immediately", was certainly the most transparent church communique I have received in quite some time, or, ever.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for a senior pastor of a church to put together an email explaining to his congregation that a longtime member of the pastoral staff has been fired.  I'm sure there are HR issues to consider, etc, etc.  

However.  What I will not appreciate is the half hearted apology from the disgraced pastor and his wife that was attached to the church email.  The message spanned an entire page, and yet it said almost nothing.  At this point, all I can ascertain is that they are only sorry that they were caught.  

Here's my response:

Dear disgraced worship leader and spouse,

For eight years you have proudly stood in front of the congregation each week as the worship leaders.  I'll admit, the fact that you are Liberty graduates already set my teeth on edge.  I know your type.  I know the false humility that seems to ooze from anyone who came up through the LU worship programming.  I spent enough years watching the adulation that was poured over The Sounds of Liberty (hold on, ok, I'm ok, thought I was going to be sick typing that out) to be able to sniff out a protege at any distance.  

Leafing through your social media posts, remembering your feigned stance as the perfect model of a worship leader during what often felt like an (insert worship leader's name) concert, recalling the way you treated my daughter when she tried to be on the worship team ... yep.  I'm going to need a little bit more than that half hearted apology message.

You apologize.  For what?  If you want to hold a position as a leader in a well known local church, you have, ostensibly, accepted that you are living in the public eye.  You've been willing to accept the lack of privacy when it comes to the benefits of being a church leader.  Now, it's time to face the music when you've done something egregious enough to warrant an emergency session meeting and subsequent firing.  

So, yeah, I'll be ready to forgive you, as Christ has instructed me to do, but it would be great to see a little bit of honesty from you as to WHAT we are forgiving you for.  Oh, and a little bit of humility rather than your continued Facebook posts aimed at managing your image. 

Sincerely,

Every former church member who has left the church because we are sick of church leadership hiding behind the curtain and refusing to face honest rebuke when your hypocrisy comes to light.


Sunday, October 13, 2024

Throwing The Baby Out With The Bathwater

 "I choose to believe, because I WANT to believe, and that is enough of a reason". 

I won't sugar coat this.  My faith has been on an absolute roller coaster the last few years.  Ever since Covid, I have really struggled with reconciling a belief system that is supposed to be anchored in love with the actions and attitudes that I saw from its followers -  who seem to be mostly motivated by "their rights, their money, their freedoms".  

I watched the pastor of our church be pushed out, partly, because of his cautious approach to large group meetings and general willingness to follow government guidelines during those challenging months.  I saw messages about how church volunteers refused to wear masks while serving in the building because it offended their sense of freedom.  I watched hateful speech and actions come from the people who I most trusted to be a group of love, non judgement and acceptance.  

So, we stopped going to church.  At first, we did church online through sources that were modeling a Christ like response to the pandemic.  But then, I continue to disengage.  As I would explain to my friends "I still love Jesus, but I really don't like his followers right now".  Listen, I'm not saying that everything that the government did in response to Covid was the right thing, but what I am saying is that it was a scary time and I think that the vast majority of people who were following regulations (and creating regulations) were doing the very best they could with the information they had.  As I stated in my last post, I know I don't always have it all right.  I know I don't ever have it all right.  But I want to be around people who say "I probably don't have it all right but I'm doing my best out of love" rather than those who say "Don't Tread On Me".

Anyway, I really, really struggled with my faith, to say the least.  And then I became friends with someone who viewed the faith community as a kind of joke.  I will readily admit that I let this person influence me far more than I should have.  They were so flippant and dismissive of anyone and anything in the faith community that I felt myself drift even further away from Jesus.

Then, as always happens (and I am so grateful) Jesus called me back in a big way.  It was the confluence of a natural disaster where my only hope was to call out to God for safety and protection (and the only thing I WANTED to do) along with that relationship imploding** because I made a decision* that the other person disagreed with along with me finally recognizing that my heart longing for the quiet and peace that can only come when I am resting in God.  

Listen, do I know exactly where I want to land in all of this? No.  I don't.  But for right now I know that I am grateful for the comfort of Belinda's copy of Jesus Calling on a chilly morning, time spent in silence in meditation where my soul and mind are soothed in His presence, and conversations with Ryan about our path forward in all of this. 

*it was not a good decision, but MY decision nonetheless and one that had nothing to do with this other person 

**queue me being super grateful as I realized that this person only wanted to be in relationship with me when they could control me (shoutout to my therapist for that realization)

Sunday, September 29, 2024

Another apology? Maybe. Or maybe just sharing a moment of self realization.

Sometimes we receive a good, swift kick in the pants that we didn't even know we needed.

I received such a kick recently.  It's never fun to look in the mirror and see something ugly reflected back at you, but I would rather see it and have the opportunity to redirect, than walk around with the metaphorical piece of spinach in my teeth that no one is telling me about.

Last night I was having a therapeutic event on my Peloton bike, exorcising (or exercising, haha) the demons from an incredibly stressful weekend, when I had a lightbulb moment.  So, I did what I usually do, and I texted Ryan for his input (nevermind that he was 10 feet away in the living room, I had a good sweat going, and I am nothing if not efficient). 

Me: Do you think I've become more judgmental over the last few months?

Ryan: Yes

Me: Sitting on a throne of self-righteousness seems like an awfully lonely place to be.

Ryan:  Yes.  There has been too much "me" in the conversation. 

Me: Yes

Later, after my workout was complete and I was talking to Ryan (you know, like a normal person) when he reminded me of a quote that is repeated fairly regularly around here:

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people are so full of doubts." 

- Bertrand Russell

While I am proud of the growth I have experienced in my mindset in recent years, and the willingness I have demonstrated to examine previously held beliefs and determine what was worth keeping and what needed to be discarded, I am not proud of the judgement that I have let accompany my growth.  

I'm don't like that I let myself become fanatical about my beliefs, to the point that I didn't have enough uncertainty in my convictions.  I need only to step back and examine the people in my life who may make different decisions from me to be reminded to check myself before I wreck myself.  People who regularly demonstrate love, thoughtfulness and genuine care for those in their circle.  People who love me, even when I don't deserve it.  People who simply have a different decision making structure from mine, that they are using to guide and inform their votes and their faith.

I am able to sleep well at night knowing that the beliefs I hold are based on genuine love and acceptance of as many people as possible.  But I cannot sleep well at night if I assume that all those who think differently are, therefore, filled with hate or prejudice.

So, I'm going to be working on this.  Like I said, it isn't fun, but in the end, I'm grateful that I serve a God who loves me enough to serve gentle correction when needed.   The events of the last few days haven't been fun or easy, but I am grateful for the new perspective I have gained and for the people that God has brought into my life that I can trust and rely on in the good times and in the bad.  



Thursday, July 18, 2024

An Apology

 I don't know what to title this blog.  It's been swirling in around in my head for SO long and now that I'm attempting to actually sit down to put my thoughts into words - I feel a little paralyzed.  But, for the sake of finally getting it out, I will probably proceed with word vomit, hit the publish button, and then cringe with embarrassment tomorrow at my nonsensical statements and/or typos.

In my companion post to this one, I shared some confessions.  Most were light hearted, or funny, except for the last one.  The one where I admitted that in 2016, I voted for Donald Trump.  I explained my reasoning there and I won't go into it again (if you didn't read it, it's not a defense of my choice - I would not try to do that).  In this post I want to apologize to those that my decision hurt.

I'm sorry.

To every woman who has ever been sexually harassed, abused, threatened or attacked, please forgive me.  My vote for Trump must feel like a slap in the face.  The very nature of this violation is to show a woman that she is just a means to an end, that she is worth less than the desires of her attacker- and we should all be able to agree that the price for justice against an attacker that a woman must pay is a price that is too great.  She will be scrutinized to the smallest detail.  "What was she wearing?  Did she give mixed signals? Was she being a tease?  Did she want it?".  I can only imagine how terrible that might be.  But to go through all of that, and then have a country show you that they'll vote for a known sexual predator anyway?  Heartbreak.  I'm sorry.

To my Jewish friends, please forgive me.  The resurgence of anti-semitism in this country since Trump's election in 2016 is disheartening, to say the least. 

To my LGBTQ+ friends, please forgive me.  One of my dear childhood friends, who is now happily married to her wife, was bereft when Trump was elected.  I remember feeling badly that she was so upset, but not fully appreciating why,  Now I get it.  I'm sorry.

To my daughters, please forgive me.  I didn't appreciate the attack on women's rights and privacy that would ensue when the Supreme Court's balance of power shifted.  I'm trying to transition my girls over to a European app to track their cycles so that the government isn't watching their personal health data.   I've spent most of my life being staunchly pro-life.  And while I still dislike the idea of abortion, I realize that I have the freedom to make that choice for myself.  And I think all women should have the same right.  But even more importantly, the lies that have been fed about Plan B (I remember the horror when it came out at the idea of "killing babies with a pill"), which is designed to end a pregnancy before it has a chance to start.  I do want my daughters, my nieces, my friends, my daughters' friends, to have that choice.  I want to impoverished woman who is barely making ends meet to have that choice, I want the woman who was raped to have that choice.  I want to woman who will die without an abortion to have that choice. So, to my daughters, and all women, I'm sorry. 

To this country's minorities and immigrants, please forgive me.  When I think of the second greatest commandment that Jesus gave in the Bible, which was, "to love your neighbor as thyself", I know that the attitudes and policies from the Trump agenda show a great deal of hate, and very little love.  I'm sorry.

If you've read this far, you're probably shaking your head that I have turned into a Democrat.  I, in fact, have not.  I'll write more about that in another post.  But, for now, to all of those who are still here - I'm sorry. 

Confessions

Back when I was 10 or 11 years old, I went through what we will call "summer of contrition".  I don't know if it was actually summer, but what I do know, is that I was suddenly consumed with guilt about every bad thing I had ever done - specifically those acts that I hadn't been caught and punished for.  My mom remembers it as the longest summer of her life.  There she would be, trying to relax after a long day, when I would creep into her room with a trembling voice and tears in my eyes and say "Mom?  I need to tell you something".  What would come next was a sobbing, often hysterical, confession of the most insignificant transgression you can imagine.  She came to fear the sound of my footsteps outside her door as I sought absolution for my sins.  As with most childhood phases, this one passed, but we still laugh about it to this day.  Well, we laugh and wince at the same time.

Today, I come to you with a flashback to summer of 1990.  There are some things I would like to get off my chest.  I hope, in advance, you can forgive me.

1 - I would estimate that I've actually watched less then 25% of the movies that most would say defined our generation.  Sure, I've seen bits and pieces of most, but the investment of time and attention is beyond what I can give.  We're talking Pretty Woman,  The Heathers,  Airplane!, Caddy Shack, Say Anything ... and that's just from a quick Google search.   I didn't even see The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles until fairly recently.  Sometimes I'll admit I have no clue what someone is talking about in reference to a movie, but if it's just TOO embarrassing, I've been known to fake it on occasion. Oh, come on! Even though I haven't seen the whole movie, I still know the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. 

2- Let's talk bourbon.  I'm not an expert, but I enjoy my bourbon with just a couple of ice cubes to enhance the flavor and I have some definite preferences between brands.  Over the years I've learned a lot about appreciating this delicious spirit. Which brings me back to my first bourbon experience.  Some of our friends brought a bottle of Jefferson Ocean to our house for a party.  This might not make an impression, but Jefferson Ocean is considered to be a very nice bottle of bourbon and, y'all.... I mixed that nice bourbon with ginger ale!!!  Every time I think about the sacrilege of this, I cringe.

3 - This next one is a big one.  My name is Lacey and I like to play pickleball.  For years I have been firmly anti-pickleball.  Not because there is anything wrong with the sport, but because my parents LOVE pickleball, and the more they insisted that I would love it, the more resistant I was to trying it.  I have quite the stubborn streak in me when someone tells me what to do, and dangitall if this wasn't a hill I was willing to die on.  Alas, peer pressure (or FOMO?) won out and when some of my good friends started to play all of the time, I couldn't resist.   Whatever, it's fun, blah, blah, blah.  But I swear, if I start wearing pickleball themed clothes or accessories - take me out back and shoot me.

4 - I was involved in not one, not two, but three MLMs.  I should probably stop this post right here before the few friends I have left unfriend me.  Ugh.  Y'all, again with the peer pressure.  I was a total sucker for the compliments and attention I was given in order to recruit me.  To this day I have so much guilt about friends that bought something from me because they felt pressured to.  And I cringe so hard anything I hear someone say "let's chat!".  It's straight back to "How To Build Your MLM Empire 101". 

5- Ok, if you're still with me, this last one is an honest doozy.  And I don't mean that with even a hint of sarcasm.  Back in 2016 I voted for Trump.  Hold on, I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that.  Let me explain.  In 2016, I remember feeling so disillusioned with our entire political system (if 2016 Lacey could see 2024 Lacey she probably would have a mental break).  I distinctly recall a conversation with Ryan and Belinda (two stalwart Never Trumpers) where I tried to explain, that as distasteful as I found Trump, I had hope that since he was not a politician, maybe he would actually effect positive change in the country (yes, yes, I know).  My thinking was that because he was already SO successful, he didn't need to play all of the political games, or govern with the sole purpose of winning re-election.  Also, the election was hot on the heels of Benghazi and, for reasons I won't go into, I literally could not fathom voting for Hillary Clinton.  What I WISH I would have done, is vote for a write-in candidate like Ryan did.  But I didn't.  And I feel like there are a lot of people to whom I owe an apology for that.  Read all about it here.  I am SO sorry.