2.20.25

 My parents are currently on a cruise around the Antarctic circle and in a quest to check in with their adventures I decided to check if they had posted anything new on FB.  Apparently, this is the only way for them to share photos, which seems suspicious, but I digress.  Instead of what I was hoping to find, the first thing that came on my feed was a post by an acquaintance of mine sharing her decision that people who only post to share negative things about the president will get “snoozed”.   

Here’s my reaction to that.  How very nice it must be, to live in such a bubble for that you are able to mindlessly post about what you ate for dinner that night, as if our very society isn’t crumbling beneath us.  As if the very worst of human nature isn’t on display for the world to see, each and every day here in America.  How very upper middle class, white, evangelical of you to demand to see less of the hurt and sorrow that your neighbors are feeling and more of whatever you deem to be appropriate Facebook posting.  

I also love the hurt feelings on the part of people I know who can’t take the outrage and frustration that is being leveled at them because they ignored all the evidence and chose to vote for Donald Trump.  Now they are posting about how sad it is to be called names over “political discourse”.  Friend, I’m going to hold your hand when I say this, it’s not political discourse. Many of us who lean center or left of center know that we are in an everyday, uphill, soul stealing battle to protect those without a voice.  We are literally seeing the end of common decency and respect for those with different color skin, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, etc, and you want to act like we are sitting at Coffee Talk chatting about how the Industrial Revolution was neither Industrial, nor a revolution.  

I’m verklempt. 

Anywho.  Those are my thoughts for today. 

2.1.25

 As previously noted, this year my blog is focused more on being my personal journal than an edited commentary, therefore I will not be editing or even re-reading before I post.  

I feel sad.  Like overwhelmingly, paralyzingly sad.  I keep hoping with each passing day that the weight will lift and I will feel a little bit of hope, but it seems that the opposite is happening.  Today I feel like I could legitimately sit and cry for the rest of the day if I let myself.  

The state of this country has brought me to a state of hopelessness that I didn’t know I could feel.  

My youngest daughter has a friend, let’s call her Janet, who is now afraid to come to school.  She is also afraid to stay home.  You see, Janet’s parents are not in the US through the proper channels.  Despite the fact that they have been here many years, have jobs, pay taxes and have no criminal records, they face the very real and very imminent prospect of being deported.  If you ask “well, why didn’t they go through the proper channels?” I would try not to laugh in your face as I ask what exactly those channels are.  They left everything they had in their home country to take an unknown chance here - how bad must things have been there to take that risk?  And now these contributing, lawful members of our society are afraid for their lives. We’ve gone from talking about Janet’s upcoming quinceanera to discussing reports of what ICEs latest local movements are.  And it breaks my heart.  

Last week a solider came to my husband’s office, terrified.  18 years in the service.  An exemplary record.  Liked and respected by all.  A model officer.  She is a trans woman so her entire future has now been put in jeopardy.  I’m trying to imagine what it must be like to spend the majority of your life feeling like you’re in the wrong body, to finally experiencing relief when the government told her she could embrace her true identity and still serve her country, to now facing the very real possibility that it will all be taken away from her.  

I know a husband and wife who have served in the education sector for their entire careers.  Selfless dedication to making our system stronger and better.  Now they are both employed by a federal education grant … which means they may both soon be unemployed.

Cancer patients in clinical trials at MD Anderson are having their hope taken away from them when the trials are stopped in their tracks.

And then I wake up on Thursday to the horrific news of the plane crash in DC.  I spent the day feeling grieved and horrified, just to tune into a press conference in time to see the president blame DEI.  My jaw dropped. My first thought was “this is so horrible and offensive and baseless, maybe now some of MAGA will see how crazy he is”… only to have the sick realization slowly sink in that it’s actually the opposite that will happen.  Those who follow him will see his statement and blindly accept that this tragedy had anything to do with DEI, rather than looking into other news sources with my plausible and realistic reasoning.    My fear was only further confirmed when I heard that one of the Army pilots was a female, who’s family has requested that her name NOT be released so that she isn’t subjected to a post mortem raking over the coals to determine if she deserved to be in that seat or not.  

Guys.  How do I process this?  How do I move forward each day when every time I venture out of my house I feel like I am surrounded by people who are cheering for the very things that are breaking me.

A 2024 Post Mortem

 Two thousand and twenty four.  It was the best of years, it was the worst of years.   

2024 feels a bit like two separate lifetimes.  It was simultaneously one of the hardest and one of my favorite years of my life. I have an immense amount of pride as I look back at the hard work and growth that brought me through the year.  There were so many times that I could have circled the wagons and surrounded myself with only like minded people, but I would have missed out on a tremendous opportunity to become a much healthier version of myself.

The best gift that I gave myself in 2024 was to re-engage in therapy.  I am super lucky that years ago I found an incredibly wise and insightful counselor who has seen me through many seasons in my life.  It started with navigating a challenging middle child who was always angry, especially when his dad was gone, to then walking with Ryan and I through our grief when we lost Belinda, to now, meeting over video chat as I work to heal and grow from hurts and harmful patterns. 

The year started with a wounded ego that I had been so easily discarded by The Station Foundation.  I also faced the heartache of watching my children each go through challenges that regularly brought me to tears as I wanted nothing more than to protect them (and, when applicable,  punch the people who were hurting them in the face).  I worried deeply over the stress and years of accumulated baggage that weighed Ryan down at work and prayed each morning that he would survive the day and come home to me safely.  I guess you could say that is a good representation of what made it the worst of times.

Summer came and the air seemed to lighten a little as we saw beautiful growth and progress in our family.  Our trip to Arizona was like a balm to our souls and we reveled in long hikes, no humidity and the beauty of Ponderosa pines and San Francisco peaks.  We dropped our beautiful girl off at college and the next day I flew to Iceland on what was, truly, the adventure of a lifetime.  I look back on that trip with so much pride because it’s the kind of thing that I always say that I WANT to do, but when it comes to decision time I chicken out.  But not this time!  I did it and I will treasure the experience and the friendships that grew on that trip. 

September and October were when I re-engaged with my therapist as she helped me navigate the growth that I needed in my life.  I had a few valued relationships end (or I guess I should clarify relationships that I valued, clearly not so much on the other side) in the preceding months and weeks and I was reeling with the onslaught of emotion and questioning of myself and who I was.  I will never forget my therapist’s face as she looked at me from across the screen and said, “I don’t see it as a loss, but instead as a shedding of relationships that didn’t serve your growth and desire to be the best version of yourself”.  Oh my goodness.  My brain immediately envisioned a phoenix coming out of the ashes and that one sentence allowed me to reframe my entire recent experience.  Instead of being hurt or angered at being discarded I felt something a little like gratitude. For better or for worse, I am a loyal person, and sometimes that loyalty means that I won’t release relationships that I know don’t make me a better person, because that would be a disloyal act.  But in my conversations with my therapist I was able to see that being released from that obligation was actually a really good thing for me.  There doesn’t have to always be a right side and a wrong side.  Or a good person vs the bad person.  Because none of them are bad people.  I am not a bad person.  They can be really good friends (to other people in their lives, but that person doesn’t have to be me..  What a deep breathe I can now take as I move forward focusing on the abundance of relationships that I have in my life who do make me a better person.  I’ve joked that I’ve been on somewhat of a reunion tour lately as I have taken stock of my life and purposefully made an effort to connect with other women who bring out the best in me, and, I hope, can say I bring encouragement to their lives.  

The end result is that sometimes going through loss of relationship can be painful but with the proper perspective and introspection it can be a true catalyst for needed change.  And that has brought me to where I am now as I enter 2025.  Truly the most content and whole I can remember being in a long time.

1.2.25

 1.2.25

It’s so cold out this morning! I sit here cuddled up in a blanket on the couch, cuddling my dog (more accurately, being bullied by my dog into petting her), drinking coffee and trying to work up the motivation to take her for a walk.  There’s going to be a cold blast the next couple of weeks which leads perfectly into my January goals.

My favorite time of year is fall into the holiday season.  It starts with the long lazy days of summer coming back into a shape and a rhythm with the schedule and structure that back-to-school brings.  Then it’s soccer and football games and homecoming dresses and school spirit.  Before you know it there are nights by the fire pit snuggled under a blanket telling stories with your family.  Then comes Thanksgiving with food and games and general family togetherness.  And BOOM, we’re decking the halls and wrapping presents and laughing at white elephant gift exchanges and quietly celebrating with glee when we’ve found the perfect gift for someone we love.  Too much food, too much wine, so much laziness in those quiet days after Christmas when I crave a few days back to life with no schedule before the hectic hits again in January.

And so, I often get a big post holiday let down in the beginning of January.  Yesterday I was reflecting on this during my morning walk with Yadi.  At the same time, I was listening to my dear friend, Ally, speak on a podcast about the divinity in the creative that we are each born with.  I began to ponder all of the things I was hearing and it stirred in my heart that I needed to reframe the way I view the calendar year.  Rather than looking at January as the end of something I love, and February as a month that I typically loathe, and focusing on the long 9 months until I get to my favorite season again, I need to find joy in each season.  And so, with that, I’ve decided to give an official Lacey Trumbo rebrand, based entirely on my own weird preferences, to time periods that I’ve created in my own weird mind.

January - February - These are now officially the cozy months.  Here is what is IN for these months:

• Snuggling on the couch.  Definitely with my dog, preferably with Ryan.  Ideally with my children.  This will involve blankets, coffee (or wine depending on time of day) and keeping my husband company while he watches all the sports. 

• Nesting - cleaning and decluttering as I take down decorations (at my leisure).  I will embrace Taylor Swift and leave the lights up until (through) January if I so desire).  But when I feel led to take things down, I’ll focus on removing the things that bring stress and buying more of the things that bring cozy.  Here’s to blankets and pillows!

• Reading - Instead of feeling guilty for spending hours in the same position with a book I will celebrate a season of quiet and conscious learning.  I will, of course, keep reading the fiction I love, but also branch out and embrace books that will shed some light into my current season of spiritual reawakening. 

These things are OUT:

• Guilt - Ok, this may be a pipe dream but as I look back at the year that was 2024 I see more progress than ever in my attempts to unshackle myself from the burden of guilt and embrace the freedom in trusting who I am.

• Fitness goals - I will not be trying any new fads or workouts.  I will be eating as crappy as ever.  I will continue to stay as far away from the scale as possible.  

• Trying to be the right person who says the right things at the right time.  I want to rely LESS on my high social IQ and focus more on being me in social situations.  Hopefully if I show people my true self from the start, I will avoid my past habit of getting into friendships that then dissolve when I get brave enough to find my voice. 

I don’t have the rest of the seasons hammered out in such detail but here’s what I’m thinking.

March & April - warmer days mean incorporating more outdoor exercise and trying to change up my workout routine so it doesn’t get stale.  Maybe a weekly hike somewhere cool and an outdoor bike ride where I push aside my fear of being hit by a car and embrace being outside.   Also, will be back to high school soccer!  Nights at the stadium with friends watching our girls play.  Lot’s to be excited about in that season.

May & June - this year these months will bring terminal leave, retirement ceremony, 25th wedding anniversary and a big trip with Ryan and the kids to celebrate all of those things.  I don’t think I have to do too much to frame those months!

July and August - Goal setting and preparation.  Getting ready to get after it!  

As you can see, I’ve still got a ways to go but i feel hopeful at the progress we are making! Cheers to 2025!

*absolutely not edited for clarity, brevity, typos or mistakes

1.1.25

 I’m going to try something new for 2025.  Rather than waiting to sit down when I have a fully formed blog post sketched out in my mind (which never seems to happen), I’m going to focus more on journaling.  I feel the constant pull to pour my thoughts and emotions out in the written word, but I let myself be held up knowing that what is stirring doesn’t create a full or compelling post.  So, out with the pressure of a post, and in with the cathartic healing that I experience when I write.  If the words that come out end up forming something that I can share, that is great, but I need for that to not be the ultimate goal.  I don’t like the self imposed pressure that results when a published post is the measure of success.

I have posted a few blog posts in the last few months that I didn’t link on any form of social media.  Unsurprisingly, they had very low viewership and no responses or reactions.  In a way, I’m grateful because that has led me to examine the motivation behind why I blog.  And while it’s true that I enjoy the connections that come when my words resonate with people, that isn’t the main reason that I love to blog.  It’s because of the therapeutic benefits i receive by getting my feelings out of my brain and out onto paper.

I don’t do resolutions.  I absolutely loathe the idea of new year new me.  If anything, its new year, and Lacey still on her bullshit.  But I don’t mind the idea of trying out new things!  So my new thing for 2025 is to journal more, be braver about what I post, embracing the less than perfect, enjoy the benefits I receive, and trust that if my muddled words are supposed to reach someone, the universe will make it so.

*Absolutely not edited for typos or errors.

An Open Letter To The Church

 Dear church leadership,

I guess I should start with a "thank you".  The email we received from church leadership to let us know that one of the church pastors has been terminated "effective immediately", was certainly the most transparent church communique I have received in quite some time, or, ever.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be for a senior pastor of a church to put together an email explaining to his congregation that a longtime member of the pastoral staff has been fired.  I'm sure there are HR issues to consider, etc, etc.  

However.  What I will not appreciate is the half hearted apology from the disgraced pastor and his wife that was attached to the church email.  The message spanned an entire page, and yet it said almost nothing.  At this point, all I can ascertain is that they are only sorry that they were caught.  

Here's my response:

Dear disgraced worship leader and spouse,

For eight years you have proudly stood in front of the congregation each week as the worship leaders.  I'll admit, the fact that you are Liberty graduates already set my teeth on edge.  I know your type.  I know the false humility that seems to ooze from anyone who came up through the LU worship programming.  I spent enough years watching the adulation that was poured over The Sounds of Liberty (hold on, ok, I'm ok, thought I was going to be sick typing that out) to be able to sniff out a protege at any distance.  

Leafing through your social media posts, remembering your feigned stance as the perfect model of a worship leader during what often felt like an (insert worship leader's name) concert, recalling the way you treated my daughter when she tried to be on the worship team ... yep.  I'm going to need a little bit more than that half hearted apology message.

You apologize.  For what?  If you want to hold a position as a leader in a well known local church, you have, ostensibly, accepted that you are living in the public eye.  You've been willing to accept the lack of privacy when it comes to the benefits of being a church leader.  Now, it's time to face the music when you've done something egregious enough to warrant an emergency session meeting and subsequent firing.  

So, yeah, I'll be ready to forgive you, as Christ has instructed me to do, but it would be great to see a little bit of honesty from you as to WHAT we are forgiving you for.  Oh, and a little bit of humility rather than your continued Facebook posts aimed at managing your image. 

Sincerely,

Every former church member who has left the church because we are sick of church leadership hiding behind the curtain and refusing to face honest rebuke when your hypocrisy comes to light.

Throwing The Baby Out With The Bathwater

 "I choose to believe, because I WANT to believe, and that is enough of a reason". 

I won't sugar coat this.  My faith has been on an absolute roller coaster the last few years.  Ever since Covid, I have really struggled with reconciling a belief system that is supposed to be anchored in love with the actions and attitudes that I saw from its followers -  who seem to be mostly motivated by "their rights, their money, their freedoms".  

I watched the pastor of our church be pushed out, partly, because of his cautious approach to large group meetings and general willingness to follow government guidelines during those challenging months.  I saw messages about how church volunteers refused to wear masks while serving in the building because it offended their sense of freedom.  I watched hateful speech and actions come from the people who I most trusted to be a group of love, non judgement and acceptance.  

So, we stopped going to church.  At first, we did church online through sources that were modeling a Christ like response to the pandemic.  But then, I continue to disengage.  As I would explain to my friends "I still love Jesus, but I really don't like his followers right now".  Listen, I'm not saying that everything that the government did in response to Covid was the right thing, but what I am saying is that it was a scary time and I think that the vast majority of people who were following regulations (and creating regulations) were doing the very best they could with the information they had.  As I stated in my last post, I know I don't always have it all right.  I know I don't ever have it all right.  But I want to be around people who say "I probably don't have it all right but I'm doing my best out of love" rather than those who say "Don't Tread On Me".

Anyway, I really, really struggled with my faith, to say the least.  And then I became friends with someone who viewed the faith community as a kind of joke.  I will readily admit that I let this person influence me far more than I should have.  They were so flippant and dismissive of anyone and anything in the faith community that I felt myself drift even further away from Jesus.

Then, as always happens (and I am so grateful) Jesus called me back in a big way.  It was the confluence of a natural disaster where my only hope was to call out to God for safety and protection (and the only thing I WANTED to do) along with that relationship imploding** because I made a decision* that the other person disagreed with along with me finally recognizing that my heart longing for the quiet and peace that can only come when I am resting in God.  

Listen, do I know exactly where I want to land in all of this? No.  I don't.  But for right now I know that I am grateful for the comfort of Belinda's copy of Jesus Calling on a chilly morning, time spent in silence in meditation where my soul and mind are soothed in His presence, and conversations with Ryan about our path forward in all of this. 

*it was not a good decision, but MY decision nonetheless and one that had nothing to do with this other person 

**queue me being super grateful as I realized that this person only wanted to be in relationship with me when they could control me (shoutout to my therapist for that realization)