Mike

 

My father in law passed away this week.

It’s very sad but not in an immediate sadness. More in a grief for the relationship that Ryan lost many years ago when his dad had a massive stroke.

In some ways we have waited for the call for 18 years. But in others you get to a point where you don’t expect it to come. So on Monday morning when I woke up at 4:30 to missed calls from the nearby ER I was shocked. I called the doctor and when he told me that Mike’s body was shutting down I truly thought I might still be asleep.

The next few hours were a blur but by 8:30 he was gone. Praise God he wasn’t alone. I was able to be with him and hold the phone to his ear as two sons said goodbye, while the 3rd made it in time to be with his dad as he passed.

As I held his hand I talked to him about the glory that was awaiting him. His body has been so sick for so many years. I know that it was probably hard for him to imagine walking, let alone running in heaven. I told him that Ryan’s mom would be there waiting for him. And I know she was.

My kids never knew the dad that Ryan grew up with. He was a shell of the man who never missed a sporting event of his boys. Who coached them, drove them to practices, games and camps. Who was so immensely proud of them.

Over the years it’s been hard not to be resentful. Ryan’s mom’s life was never the same after the stroke and the stress may very well have contributed to her shortened life.

After she was gone the burden fell to Ryan. I wish I could say it wasn’t a burden but many times, it was. But Ryan was always faithful to take care of his dad’s needs, coordinate his care, take care of his finances, provide for his few physical needs. His dad lost his ability to truly express gratitude and to know how to put others first but that didn’t stop Ryan from doing what he could... knowing it would be thankless and never enough.

We’ve been blessed by friends who have just showed up this week, knowing the many and varied emotions we are feeling. For those who have sent flowers to bring smiles to our faces, who have brought dinner, wine, breakfast, cupcakes! For those who have taken over schooling so we could have some time together alone.  The reminders of our blessings are many.

We picked up his ashes and death certificate today. A routine we’ve become all too familiar with.  His death certificate lists the primary cause of death as sepsis but the secondary cause as COVID-19. There is no doubt in my mind, that had he not contracted Covid he would have been able to fight the infection that took him. He’s fought similar infections many times before. 

While we know with Ryan’s dad, that this was the time for him to go, I can’t help but think of the many others with pre-existing conditions whose cause of deaths are being politicized or debated for the gain of one side or the other. It certainly brings it into a new light as you stare at the words on a death certificate with your own eyes.

So, maybe the reminder in all of this is that life is rarely black or white. Republican or Democrat. Covid or Sepsis. Blessing or burden. Grief or joy. 

Most often, it’s somewhere in the gray. 

Proven

This morning during our online sermon, our pastor challenged me to think of a time when God has proven Himself in my life.

Because I know, many people are looking around at the hardships and hurt around them and they are wondering where God is.  And as we are asking that question, we can look at the proveness of God that we have experienced in the past, that will hopefully allow us to trust Him and His plan in this time.

When Pastor Dan asked this question it only took about 2 seconds for my answer to pop into my head.  And also example after example that supported my answer, followed in rapid fire succession in my brain.  I was sitting next to Ryan and he turned to me and he spoke aloud the exact word in my head.  

Jake.  

When we were given a gorgeous baby boy almost 16 years ago, we had such plans for him in our minds.  Oh the places he would go.  

As the years went by and he failed to progress as we excepted, those plans faltered.  And fear began to set in.  How was God going to make good on His promises when all were seeing was brokenness.

But time, after time, after time, God has showed us that His words “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jer. 29:11) are true for Jake.  Every time.

God did not just write those words for the neurotypical kids.  He didn’t just promise that to the kids who are academic all-stars.  Who are super popular.  Who have tons of friends and athletic success.  Those kids are awesome too, and I know their parents are super proud, but y’all, I wouldn’t trade 100 of those kids for my one Jake. 

God has an amazing plan for Jake and I get to have a front row seat to watching it play out.  He is going to (and already has) walk through life with Jake as His wonderful plan plays out..  Jake already is a powerful success story.  And God is just getting started.  

Merry Christmas!

Christmas greetings from the Trumbo family!

For the first time since 2009 I am not going to be getting Christmas cards out this year! It pains me to no end, but I promise its just a one-year hiatus and next year our smiling faces will once again grace your mailbox.  Between a new puppy, a new HVAC system and 4 kids worth of activities, it seemed like a good year to save money and time and go digital!  Also, without the constraints of pretty Christmas paper and print margins, I am able to ramble on and on …. You’ve been warned.  

2019 has been a good year for our family.  As always, we have been challenged to grow through numerous trials (burst pipes, mold, sickness, job changes, broken appliances) but as ever, the Lord shows us again and again that we have nothing to fear with Him by our side.

Jane Dare turned 10 in September and is enjoying 4^thgrade.  For the first time in many years she is the only Trumbo at Pinehurst Elementary School.  Between her social life and her gymnastics schedule she stays very busy – but Driz likes busy!  She was moved up to Gold team at her gym which means she now practices 3 days a week for 3 hours at a time.   Her competitive season will begin in January – which will make for some long weekends. This year we will head to Virginia Beach, Charlotte, Raleigh, Winston Salem and Athens, GA…. And that’s just the regular season!   She continues to delight us with her social insight and amaze us with her self-confidence.  

Reid is 11 (12 next month) and after a couple small bumps he is now happily chipping away at 6^thgrade.  His sense of humor often finds him making Ainsley and her friend’s laugh during their shared study hall.  After a couple of frustrating soccer seasons, Reid decided to go out for wrestling and we are incredibly proud of how hard he is working.   After a long day at school he has 2.5 hours of practice each day.   This sport is a perfect match for Reido-torpedo and although the meets are LOOOONNNNGGGG, it’s worth it when he takes the mat.  Reid is a compassionate and thoughtful kid and we never get tired of watching him care for those around him.  

Ainsley will be 14 at the end of this month and it’s been a joy to watch her come into her own in 8^thgrade.  She has matured so much this year – she is working hard on her grades with big goals. Of course, if you follow me on social media at all you know that Ains’s passion is music and we never tire of hearing her beautiful voice coming from her room.  Ainsley is caring, thoughtful, helpful, and AMAZING (Jane Dare took over my computer to write this and far be it from me to delete!!!).  Showing us her perseverance, Ainsley was selected for the NC Middle School Honors Choir.  She has discovered a new love for reading and has a wonderful team of teachers at school.  She is growing in her faith and we love to hear the stories of her sharing her love for Jesus with those around her.  Ainsley also joined the cross country team this year and it was no small thrill to her mama to watch her – she is a natural! 

Jake is 15 and a freshman at Pinecrest High School.  This school year has been a wonderful time of growth for him and has been an answer to so many prayers.  We are continually reminded that God created Jake and has a plan for him that we can’t even imagine.  The block schedule at school – which means just 4 classes per semester – has really allowed Jake to focus in and do well in all of his classes.  Even math honors!!!  But Jake has really shined in his speech class.  Having a near photographic memory and zero fear of performing means Jake is killing it in speech.

Lacey continues to struggle to fill her days with more than bon bons and long baths.  Which is why we decided to get a puppy!  And Lacey got a job!  Ok, enough 3^rdperson.  Last January I started working for a local endodontist doing marketing, among other tasks.  It’s very flexible and part time and makes me wonder how on earth moms who are employed full-time manage it all.   While being a mom to 4 little kids was physically exhausting, parenting 4 teens and tweens is exhausting on a level I couldn’t have prepared for.   Between tutoring and lessons and practices and orthodontist appointments and after school clubs and youth group and Young Life and trying to have family dinners and a clean house I don’t get a lot of down time.  For this reason I am beyond grateful for the opportunity to spend a week in Montana as part of a Spouse Performance Program with a non-profit for military families like ours.  The friendships I gained, tools I learned and insights I took away from this week were, in short, life changing.  I am so very blessed.  I’m still running and biking and just incredibly grateful for the adventures this body puts up with (and for science and injections that let my poor knees keep moving!). 

After 8 years at the same unit it was time for Ryan to move on.  He was given a beautiful farewell ceremony last May that my parents and his brother were able to attend.  It was very special for our kids and family members to hear the impact Ryan has had during his time at an elite organization.  Change has not been easy.  A famous song says “you don’t know what you’ve got til its gone”.  On the contrary, we were well aware of what we had, and appreciated it fully, and being on the other side has really sucked at times. But I am incredibly proud of my husband and the fact that he always gives 100% and no matter what organization he is with, his reputation garners respect.  Its hard to believe that in only 4 ½ years he will be retirement eligible.  There was a time we couldn’t imagine retirement.  But after 16 years it becomes more and more appealing.  Rather than separations becoming easier, we dislike them more and more as time passes. As Ryan says “it seems we’ve become dependent on one another”.  We were proud to watch Ryan run his first marathon this year!  He swears he is one and done, but we will see. 

As we look to 2020 we prepare for some time apart in January and February.  Just as gymnastics competition season kicks off, musical theater practices begin, and wrestling is still in full swing.  On the horizon I’ve got 2 kids starting Drivers Ed this summer and so maybe, just maybe, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  But in the meantime I’ll enjoy my endless miles and hours in the car for the precious time it gives me to listen and laugh along with my crew. 

We wish you a blessed and happy new year!  

The middle school years

I remember about 5 years ago, watching Ainsley walk into school and excitedly greet everyone that she knew. It was the same every day, no matter who was there, she was thrilled to see them.  Once it was a friend’s daughter who was approaching middle school age, and I am sure, very uncomfortable in her own skin and mortified to get attention from a much younger kid.  Ainsley ran up to her to say hello.  She was barely acknowledged and the girl quickly sped past her.  Mostly undaunted, Ainsley went on her way and didn’t let it bother her.

I look at Ainsley today, and though she is fully in those awkward middle school years, she still spreads her love towards everyone.  I watch her greet those younger than her with pure love and enthusiasm that makes them light up.  A couple of weeks ago she and Ryan went on a father-daughter retreat and she gave special attention to a little friend who was about 8 years old.  Ryan told her how nice that was and Ainsley responded “when I was 8 I would’ve thought it was the coolest thing in the world if a 13 year old wanted to be my friend”.

This year has been full of bumps.  The disappointment of not being selected for state honors choir (by 1 point), the humbling experience of a small role in the school play, struggles with trying to manage her friend group, along with the realization of where she fits in in on the social hierarchy of popular kids at school.  I watch all of these experiences coming at her and my heart just aches because I want to make it all right.

But, one day, she will be an adult.  And she will get knocked down.  But.  But. But.  She will know how to get back up, because she has done it before. She will face disappointment.  But she will have the skills to handle it with grace.  She will negotiate relationship struggles but her world won’t crumble because she will have the self-assurance that there is light on the other side.  

But most of all, she will have the most kind and loving spirit of anyone I’ve ever met.  And that isn’t something we had to teach her.  That is just who she is.  

Let There Be Grace

A few years ago I got off the bandwagon of guilt that is resolutions.  Since then I’ve just been the curmudgeon at the gym who can’t wait for everyone to go back to being their old selves and stop taking all the bikes in RPM class.

This morning I woke up (after a night with no NYE fanfare) to my cup of coffee, my phone and a few minutes of peace before I headed out on my run.  As I plopped down on my couch and began to mindlessly scroll through my phone for entertainment I was impressed with the desire to put my phone down and spend a few minutes in prayer.  I am, admittedly, terrible at praying.  I hate that, despite the fact that I’ve been a believer for 35 years, it still isn’t innate for me to spend time with the Lord like that.  So, when the desire hits I am grateful.  

It wasn’t an eloquent prayer.  It was short, filled with distraction and a roaming mind.  But a word was central in it, and I felt the pull to claim it as my word for 2019.  

Grace.

I want my first thought to be grace.  When there is an opportunity to look for hurt or find grace, I want to choose grace.  When a careless comment happens out of someone’s mouth I want to choose grace instead of a snappy comeback.  When I see an event that I was left out of, I want to choose grace.  Rather than to make up a scenario where I was excluded out of spite to instead assume there is a much less sinister (and sensical) reason.  When there is an opportunity to be annoyed or perceive bragging or selfishness in others, let me choose grace.  Because the Lord knows, I need ALL the grace I can possibly get from those in my life. 

I know that I get so laser focused on getting through the day that I often neglect to reach out to those around me or to pick up the phone and make a call to a loved one that I know would appreciate it.  And those loved ones so often give me grace in that shortcoming.   I love my time with my family and husband so much that it can be hard to make the time to invest in the friends around me who may also may need some love.  I also let myself be too distracted by social media and other distractions that take too much time that I could be directing to people in my life.  And yet those people, my tribe give me grace. 

My prayer for 2019 is that I would follow the example of my tribe and spread the grace far and wide. 

Today

I sit on the couch.  I feel so lethargic.  I sat down an hour ago and I have accomplished nothing.  There are things to do.  Bathrooms to clean.  Groceries to be bought.  Errands to be run.  But nothing is urgent.  And so I can't make myself get up.

Today, I just don't care.

Yesterday I was at the gym, looking in the mirror while putting on my makeup. I'd had a good swim workout but I felt unease.  As I swiped on my mascara a thought came into my head.  Belinda is dead.  I froze.  How can that be? It still feels so unreal.  This summer, we went from having her here in our home, to having her at hospice, to losing her.  The patterns changed.  But now, I'm back to the same pattern as before all of this happened.  Dropping kids at school, cleaning the house, running to the store, going to the gym.  It all feels exactly the same.  

But its not.

I would have thought that I'd slowly be getting used to the idea that her human body does not exist on this earth anymore.

 But I'm not.

And today it just makes me want to sit here and ignore every responsibility I have.

 But I won't.

Three weeks.

Can it really only have been 3 weeks since I kissed her cool forehead goodbye?

In some ways it feels like a year.  I guess that's how grief goes.  I have felt a lifetime worth of emotions these last 3 weeks.  Cried more tears than I knew a body could produce.  I feel like I'm walking around with a gaping wound.  There is no healing.   If I get a few minutes reprieve it takes nothing to rip it raw again.  Driving past her nail salon.  Seeing her car still parked in my drive.  Yesterday morning I ran past her oncologist office where we sat and talked about the 6 months we had left with her (not quite, dear doctor, not quite) and I had to push myself not to stop right there and cry.

I open up TimeHop on my phone and see a post from 7 years ago when she drove from Ohio to watch our babies so we could go to a wedding.  I sign Jane Dare up for soccer and think how much she would have LOVED to be at those games.  I walk upstairs and it still smells like her.  I stuff her 3 favorite sleeping pillows under my bed because I can't fathom what else to do with them.  I've dealt with 99% of her possessions.  I did it quick, like ripping off a band-aid.  The man at Goodwill asking, kindly, if I was moving or just purging.  But the things that are left leave me undone.  Her basket of hair clips (she must have had hundreds), her favorite pictures, letters from her best friend written shortly before Christy died in 1969.

Jake comes to me tearfully, fearful for what 7th grade holds.  I don't know what to say.  I feel so depleted.  Nonny would know.  And she would be praying so hard.

My husband.  He misses his mother so deeply its painful to watch.  When we are all hurting so deeply its tempting to turn away.  But I force myself to stay.  He needs me, and I want it that way.

Being married to a psychologist I'm well aware that there is a process to grief.  Stages.  Funny how when you're in the middle of it those stages make no sense.  I can't see a beginning or end.  I can feel all 5 simultaneously.  Well, maybe 4.  Not the acceptance part.

My poor children.  They are dealing with the shell of a mother this summer.  I am short-tempered.  Emotional.  Sad.  They are so tired of seeing me cry.  I think they will be as relieved as I am on the first day of school.  

I'm often asked what we need.  Unfortunately, there is no easy answer.