Another apology? Maybe. Or maybe just sharing a moment of self realization.

Sometimes we receive a good, swift kick in the pants that we didn't even know we needed.

I received such a kick recently.  It's never fun to look in the mirror and see something ugly reflected back at you, but I would rather see it and have the opportunity to redirect, than walk around with the metaphorical piece of spinach in my teeth that no one is telling me about.

Last night I was having a therapeutic event on my Peloton bike, exorcising (or exercising, haha) the demons from an incredibly stressful weekend, when I had a lightbulb moment.  So, I did what I usually do, and I texted Ryan for his input (nevermind that he was 10 feet away in the living room, I had a good sweat going, and I am nothing if not efficient). 

Me: Do you think I've become more judgmental over the last few months?

Ryan: Yes

Me: Sitting on a throne of self-righteousness seems like an awfully lonely place to be.

Ryan:  Yes.  There has been too much "me" in the conversation. 

Me: Yes

Later, after my workout was complete and I was talking to Ryan (you know, like a normal person) when he reminded me of a quote that is repeated fairly regularly around here:

"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people are so full of doubts." 

- Bertrand Russell

While I am proud of the growth I have experienced in my mindset in recent years, and the willingness I have demonstrated to examine previously held beliefs and determine what was worth keeping and what needed to be discarded, I am not proud of the judgement that I have let accompany my growth.  

I'm don't like that I let myself become fanatical about my beliefs, to the point that I didn't have enough uncertainty in my convictions.  I need only to step back and examine the people in my life who may make different decisions from me to be reminded to check myself before I wreck myself.  People who regularly demonstrate love, thoughtfulness and genuine care for those in their circle.  People who love me, even when I don't deserve it.  People who simply have a different decision making structure from mine, that they are using to guide and inform their votes and their faith.

I am able to sleep well at night knowing that the beliefs I hold are based on genuine love and acceptance of as many people as possible.  But I cannot sleep well at night if I assume that all those who think differently are, therefore, filled with hate or prejudice.

So, I'm going to be working on this.  Like I said, it isn't fun, but in the end, I'm grateful that I serve a God who loves me enough to serve gentle correction when needed.   The events of the last few days haven't been fun or easy, but I am grateful for the new perspective I have gained and for the people that God has brought into my life that I can trust and rely on in the good times and in the bad.