Back to Basics

When I first started this blog, one of the things I loved most about the process was the opportunity to capture the mundane little details of life.  The blog served as a journal of sorts and was a needed tool for me to verbally process the whirlwind that was my existence in those early years of motherhood.  Somewhere along the way, I started only blogging the BIG things - big events, big feelings, big opinions.  Then, in 2020, when the world fell apart, it all felt too big.

I'd like to get back to the simple.  Where my blog was for me, with the added bonus that sometimes my stories brought laughter to those who were reading them, or, even better, let someone know they weren't alone in the struggle that motherhood can be.

Jane Dare started Drivers Ed on Monday.  Jake is less than 3 months away from not being a teenager anymore.  Ainsley had her senior prom and is now in the final push to graduation.  Reid will be getting his license in about a month.  My life looks so different now from the stage of motherhood that I was in when I started this blog.  I remember running at the YMCA, just praying that I could get to 5 miles on the treadmill before someone came and got me because one of my kids was crying in the child care room.  Those days were physically exhausting.  I remember praying for just an hour or two where no one would touch me, or talk to me.

What no one prepares you for is how the teenage years bring a tradeoff from physical exhaustion to mental exhaustion.   While I won't wax poetic and say that I would go back again to those days again in a heartbeat (I wouldn't, those were some tough times - joyous, fun, happy - but tough) I will be honest that this past year of parenting has been one of the hardest I have ever known.

When your kids are little, there is so much that you can control.  But parenting teenagers is very similar to driving a manual car.  Your control is the clutch.  Their control is the gas.  The teen years is all about that smooth movement of slowly lifting up on the clutch while pushing down on the gas as you allow them the freedom to begin navigating life on their own terms.  The idea is simple. The execution is anything but.  

How much do I hover over grades versus letting them choose how much work to put in?

What is the line between encouraging modesty versus body positivity?

How do I convey the idea of respecting your body without opening the door to the shame that purity culture brings (ask me how I know)?

How much of church attendance is forced versus encouraged (from someone who still has anxiety on Sundays)?

How do you know when they are ready to get their license and drive responsibly?

How much do I step in when they are fired unfairly by a boss that has no patience for special needs?

And that doesn't even begin to get into electronics, social media, curfews, consequences, responsibilities ... the list goes on and on.

If you're a younger mom reading this, I honestly don't mean this to be discouraging.  I'm so grateful that I have some amazing mom friends who have been so encouraging, kind, caring, empathetic and, most of all, non-judgemental as I have navigated this past year.  Having a husband who is an expert in human behavior has been kind of helpful to.  But, even with all that, I'll say again - it is HARD.  So mommas, if you're reading this, I guess I can sum up today's post with a couple thoughts.

1- Let's be each other's biggest cheerleaders.

2- You don't know until you've walked it yourself.  If the words "I personally would never ..." start to come out of your mouth I would encourage you to stop yourself right there.

3 - Parenting is hard.  Give yourself a hug.  And then go give your teenager a hug.  Whether they want it or not. :) 

An Abusive Relationship

For any longtime readers of my blog its probably no surprise when I temporarily revive the blog just to disappear again. I keep wanting to post, but there is just SO MUCH swirling around in my brain and I haven't been able to boil it down into a concise post, or even series of posts. 

But I think there's one topic in particular that I need to revisit before I get busy alienating my social circle with all of the other posts I have on the back burner.  In my last post I talked about the healing that had taken place since I resigned from the foundation.  And while everything that I said was true, I feel like it would be disingenuous to act like all it took was a bathroom remodel and a month of space to get over what happened.  

As time has gone on, I've been able to recognize that I was in an abusive relationship with my boss.  What are some of the telltale signs of such a workplace dynamic?  A high control relationship model, power imbalances,  manipulation tactics, gaslighting.  I realize the word abuse is a strong one and I don't use it lightly.  There is definitely a big difference between a crappy work environment and an abusive work environment.  This article  was a real eye opener for me.  The author notes the following as she was interviewing people for the article:

 "A lot of these stories are told through tears... I can see in their faces that they’re frustrated they can’t find the words to convey how seriously they’re suffering.  Then, a really weird thing happens. After that flashpoint of honesty and vulnerability, they start to walk backwards.

• “It’s my fault; I’m being too sensitive.”

• “I shouldn’t have started out with such high expectations.”

• “Other people would love to have my job; I should feel lucky.”

• “I’m partially to blame too; I should’ve anticipated what would happen.”

• “Some people have real problems; I’m crying about a little work stress.”

• “I’m not ready to quit yet, but I will if it gets any worse.”

• “It’s just a job—I shouldn’t let it get to me like this.” 

I am fairly certain that I said every single one of these statements during my time working at the foundation.  Because while I felt like I was lucky to have this "dream job" nothing was dreamy enough to overcome the fact that I was working for someone with an anxiety disorder.  And this disorder permeated everything that she touched.  Let's go through each of the hallmarks of an abusive work relationship that I listed above and I'll give an example.

High control model:

-I was not allowed to send emails that had not been proofread and approved by her.  My reminder emails to my participants had to come from a template where I plugged in the pertinent details. 

-I couldn't give handouts to my participants at the end of events unless they were approved and formatted with a very specific color scheme.  

-I specifically requested that my team be moved under another supervisor.  EVERY OTHER TEAM was moved to this new supervisor.  Except mine.  Despite the fact that there was stress in our work dynamic, she wouldn't let my team go.  

Power imbalances:

-There was no space in the organization to go for resolution where there wasn't a serious conflict of interest.   My boss was married to the director of the organization.  Which means that when the Director of Operations was brought in to "mediate" after our disastrous performance review, I was relying on someone who directly reported to my boss's husband to try and get the train back on the tracks.  To say that effort failed miserably would be an understatement.  He sat in silence as I was bullied and emotionally manipulated.  

Manipulation tactics:

-Again, as mentioned in a previous post, the foundation had a lot of personal information on me based on the personality assessments that we completed.  When my boss and I had a difference of opinion, she would dig into my profiles and use that data against me.  I still don't have the words to describe how deeply violating that was.  

-Whenever I would voice a concern about how a particular program was being conducted, the response would be to disinvite me from participating in that program in the future. 

Gaslighting:

- See the mileage issue that I spoke of in previous post.  Or anytime I tried to advocate for myself, there would inevitably be a team meeting soon thereafter where we would all be reminded that all that mattered was the mission and and that we were serving the SF community - anything else was our egos getting in the way.

I am loyal to a fault.  Hear me say the last part again - TO A FAULT.  I'm not saying I do it well all the time.  I have been known to punch first and ask questions later when someone that I love has been hurt.  I think what hurts the most is that I worked with so many people that I liked and respected, and when push came to shove, not one of them was willing to stick their neck out and advocate for me based on the work they saw me do and the heart I had shown for the mission.  After further reflection I think this is because of the anxiety ridden work environment that has been created by unchecked leadership. 

Lest this entire post come across as entirely vindictive, I'll repeat again something that I noted a few posts ago - I requested an exit interview.  That request was ignored.  So I sent an email voicing my concerns.  All but one of my concerns was ignored in the carefully crafted response I received.  I hoped that my leaving would open some eyes to the organizational issues that stem from having two people at the top of the org chart who are in what is, at best, an unhappy marriage.  Again, it was all swept under the rug.  I was asked why I don't approach the board of directors.  I would if I could - I have been unsuccessful in finding contact information.

Maybe my mindset is best summed up by the words of the queen herself, Taylor Swift.

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace.

And you're the hero flying around saving face.

And if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake?

Cursing my. name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet.