An honest update

 How are you?

I’m good, thanks?

But how’s your knee?

It’s better every day. Thanks so much for asking.

This is how the conversation goes.  I genuinely appreciate the thoughtfulness of anyone who asks But I’m not being completely honest in my answers because it’s just too hard. 

The real answer is “it’s hard”. Very. Very hard. Every day I deal with pain.  And I have to make a choice.  I can sit on my couch and be mostly comfortable.  Or I can choose to keep moving. To get on that bike, to push in my exercises.  I’m pushing against the bad form that keeps creeping in on the bike. My knee begs me to point my toe. My toe begs me to bend my knee. They are fighting each other constantly. 

Pain shoots through my knee at the most random of times as my nerves work to regenerate.  The most common time seems to be around 3 am. Right after I’ve finally drifted off to sleep as I’m still dealing with post joint replacement insomnia. 

Every fucking day.

I’ve still got about 10 hydrocodone left … that’s about the only way I get sleep. But the supply is dwindling and I know the worst thing I could do would be to try and get more. I need to deal with this in a healthy and responsible way. But I’m just so tired. 

Please don’t think I’m not aware of far greater problems in the world. Afghanistan (full stop).  COVID (again, full stop). Tomorrow I get on a plane and fly to Texas to spend 6 days with one of my dearest friends who is quite literally going through hell to save her life.  But that’s not “perspective “. It’s just more heartache. 

So dear ones. That’s my real answer.  I’m fucking tired.