A couple of weeks ago I was in hot yoga (like any self-respecting housewife should be) when the instructor started the class with the usual spiel about setting your intention for the next hour and a half. I often tune that part out because I can only take so much of that kind of talk but that day I must of been feeling particularly compliant and so I let my mind participate. Three words came into my head as I knew we were diving full force into the holiday season. Joyful. Heartfull. Grateful. You can argue with me about whether that middle one is a word or not. I'm sure it's not. But it kind of went with my theme so let's go with it.
As excited as I get about this time of year I know that I have a propensity to get overwhelmed and let the stress of the season steal my joy. And it all goes down from there. I came home and told Ryan because I wanted him to keep me accountable. He's done a pretty good job although some of the times when he reminds me I want to throat punch him...
But I feel like my good intention has been taken as a challenge to the Devil. And yes I actually mean the Devil because I believe that there is one. But if you can't wrap your head around that you can just go with whatever evil force you want. It started with a family trip to Williamsburg that had its fair share of bumps and ungrateful children. The next week brought lice. Yes you read that right. Lice. My ultimate worst parenting fear realized. All the while also trying to juggle the usual December hoopla and events which now includes Ainsley's basketball schedule and Jake's choral performances. And an unusually high number of difficult people in my life. That, yes, I want to throat punch.
Then to top it all off yesterday I hurt my knee while I was running. That always ends up being a very dark place for me. I start to fear the worst and this time is no different. I love cold winter morning runs with my crew. I love the crazy plans they/we come up with (like the annual Christmas run - a 19 miler to the 5 "boroughs" of the Sandhills). Its hard to explain to someone who hasn't known me a long time why anything to do with my knees will bring me down so hard and so fast. You see, I lost soccer when I was 19 years old and that was, by far, one of the most difficult times in my life up to that point. I identify as an athlete. Its just always been part of who I am. Saying goodbye to soccer meant becoming an outsider (in my mind) to my group of friends, my roomates, my "place". And the pain. OMG the pain. Sometimes I'll get little inklings of the pain I had post ACL repair and it makes me sick to my stomach. The thought of going through all that again ... well. I can't. I did it three times and it never got easier.
For the first couple weeks of December I fought back to remain Joyful, Heartfull and Grateful when those tough moments arose. But I kind of feel like I'm being swallowed up by this knee thing. I go into see the Ortho today and maybe he will be able to drain it and shoot me up with Syn-Visc and I'll be on my merry way until the next time. And I will be very happy. But how many more next times can I do?
So, if you see me out and about and I seem to lack some holiday cheer, please forgive me. I'm trying. I'm really trying. And as terribly trite and small as I know an injured knee is in this world of so much hurt and pain, just know I'm doing my best to take on the right perspective. And pray for me that I would stop letting the Devil win in my mind and let the joy of Christ's birth take over.