Sunday, July 31, 2016

I'm struggling with the thought of writing and then posting this particular post.  But its been on my heart since church this morning and I think I need to be obedient to that.

This morning I got all dressed and then snapped a pic of my new jewelry because I love it and wanted to use it on Facebook later ... today's the last day of the month and I'm just shy of my goal so every little bit helps.  Which is not the point of the story.

The point of the story is that in the picture everything looks good.  My hair is good, my dress is cute and my jewelry is on point.  Picture perfect.

But the background in my home this morning was anything but perfect.  I have truly tried to be honest and transparent in my humanity and my failings.  I want to encourage others as they walk beside me.  But I think sometimes people laugh at my quirky stories but then actually think that behind closed doors I have my shit together.   And I do not.

This morning the downward spiral began when a child sold another child a few last bites of their candy for $3.  A candy that they paid about $1 for.  I kept it relatively together and told my kids that they had lost the privilege (?!?) of buying/selling/trading amongst themselves without management pre-approval of any transactions.

This was followed by the guilty party from story above following me into my bathroom and telling me I am a liar.  Because one time, long ago, I said I would take them to a store and I did not.

My level of "lose my shit" rose slightly but I remained semi-calm-ish (see what I did there) as I explained that this argument was ridiculous, unjustified and aimed at getting out of being in trouble.

I was then informed that I am never home.  Because I work at the running store.  Again, deep breaths, raised voice, explaining that out of the 50 or so days of summer I have worked 3 so far.  Which was met with an argument about being "sent away to camp" last summer.

At this point I banished said child from my sight while said child sprouted tears from his/her eyes like a cartoon character.

I came into the office to sit down and write Ryan an email about this ridiculousness to feel better when my hands happened upon a sticky substance on my desk, and on the floor.  I yelled for children to come immediately in and explain this.  A child explained that they had sneezed snot everywhere and then forgotten to clean it up.  A child who, at least age-wise, should know better. It was at this point, with snot on my fingers and bottom of my shoes that all shit was lost.  Completely and utterly lost.  In ways I am not about to explain in detail.  Just imagine it.  And then multiply it by 2.  Or more.

I watched the kid clean it up and then came back into my office to write that email feeling utterly broken.  I wrote to my husband of how ashamed I was.  How ugly my anger is.  How one of my biggest fears is that my kids won't like me when they are grown up.

I gathered them into the living room to apologize.  The snot-responsible child had written on a piece of paper "Sometimes I think my mom hates me".  Utter devastation.

I apologized for my anger. I hugged them and cried.  We got ourselves together and to church.  I walked in feeling so raw.  I saw no one I really know to talk to so I got them dropped off and went to sit.  We started to sing and I felt like such a fraud.  I just wanted to go home.

Then THIS started.

If you don't want to listen just read.

My hope is built on nothing less, then Jesus blood and righteousness

Christ alone.  Cornerstone.  Weak made strong, in the Savior's love.   Through the storm, He is Lord. Lord of all.

When darkness seems to hide His face, I rest on His unchanging grace.  In very high and stormy gale, my anchor holds within the veil.  

CHRIST ALONE.  Cornerstone.  Weak made strong, in the Savior's love.  Through the storm, HE is Lord.  Lord of all.

Then He shall come with trumpet sound, may I then, in Him be found, dressed in His righteousness alone, faultless to stand before the throne.  

I know I've talked about my faith here and there before.  But today I felt that I needed to make sure that I am being absolutely clear.  Who I am, what I have, the good in me is solely because of what Jesus has done for me.   And what He has done for me is to die on the cross for my sins.  Which are many.  There is nothing I could do, no way I could be a good enough person, or give enough, or be kind enough to be good enough that I would deserve Him and the eternal life that He gives. I know that some of my dear friends who are reading this right now are shaking their heads at my naivete to believe in God.  To believe that there was actually this Jesus character who died for our sins.  But I do.  I know its true and I love you and want you to know the peace and love that I know as a result.  Because without Him, the ugly above, would win.  It would swallow me whole.  But because of Him, it doesn't.


Lindsay Riney said...

Lacey, I could have written this verbatim. And I'm not just saying that. I lose my shit everyday. And I fear this third baby will send me over the edge. I love that song and He is the only reason I have come this far and am able to get up and do it all again the next day. Thank you for being brave and sharing this, I love you!

Paula said...

Hi Lacey--you have me in tears with blog. I thank God you are strong enough to be real. Love you -- and I'm sure your kids love you. We all go through our kids being mad at us. It's okay. You did the right thing and apologized for out of control anger. You are human and that string of events would have got most people going, spiraling out of control. We've all lost it -- and more than once or twice. It isn't a pleasant feeling. But that's not all of who you (or we) are. You and your family are not perfect -- but you are all precious.