Friday, September 18, 2015

My Soul.

I love to run.  Except when I don't love it.

The past couple months I have not loved to run.  I am training for a marathon and it has felt like a job more than a hobby.  And definitely not a hobby that was fun.

I have some things going on physically right now that have forced me to slow down this week.  And, as usual, when I slow down I have time to take a hard look at what I'm doing and the decisions that I'm  making.

Somewhere in the past couple of years I've let my perspective shift.  In my training if I wasn't going for faster than I needed to be going farther.  And if not farther, then faster.  So, when this marathon cycle came along all I could think was that I had to go for a PR.  I have put so much pressure on myself to do it that I've literally obsessed over my key workouts to the point I'm driving my own self crazy.  Whether it was a marathon pace run or a lactate threshold run I was worrying and justifying and bargaining in my mind in the days leading up to it.  If I hit the workout then I chided myself for being so silly and worrying so much.  If I didn't then I berated myself for  not being mentally strong enough.

About running.


I've been joking with friends that somewhere along the line my mind must've gotten confused and maybe I believed that my performance actually mattered in the grand scheme of my life.  Like, I'm trying to make the Olympic Trials? (um, NO!).  Or I have sponsorships riding on my results (again, NO!).  I joked about how silly I was being but in the back of my mind I still wanted to perform.

Why?  What makes me tick like this that I can't just do something and be good at it.  That deep down I want to be the best.  And I've let that become my identity.  Lacey The Fast Runner.  That is how I feel worthy.  I've let it define me.

And I can sit here and wax poetic forever about how very ridiculous/pathetic that is but right now I'm so deep in thoughts and emotions that its difficult.  I could list 10 things immediately that should come higher than that but I suck at most of them so running was the easiest one to grab onto.

So, right now that's where I am.  I'm forcing myself to back off of Peak to Creek training. I want to get back to loving my runs again.  Being joyful again.  And I also need to prepare myself for the day I can no longer run because, sadly, that day may be coming faster than I want.

So, dear friends, when you ask me how my running is or what I'm training for an I mumble a reply please understand its not you, it me.  And I'm trying to figure out exactly what that means.

1 comment:

Tia said...

Thanks for telling me about your blog! You are such a good writer and hit on so many things I hVe thought at different times in the past myself.