Monday, June 1, 2009

The Cold, Hard Truth

The stories I am about to relate in the following post are 100% factual and barely, if at all, embellished for the sake of good story telling. Not because I am above hyperbole but because my life needs no exaggeration. Last Wednesday, the day that I celebrated 9 years of marriage to Ryan, the children rewarded me with "special" behavior all day long. And that day must be told for the history books . . . so here goes.

It was a slow, starter day as we'd arrived home late the night before from our Memorial Day trip to Ohio. We were tired and trying to adjust back to the Central Time Zone and this momma was certainly a little bit out of it. Unfortunately, as a parent to MY Children, this is not a luxury I can afford.

Our first event of the day was Ainsley deciding to open her own hair salon and start with herself as the first client. Reid was napping and I was in the big kids room putting away their clothes from the trip. Jake was on the computer playing games and Ainsley was coloring. All was well. Ha - well, the joke was on me. After about 3 minutes of being one room away I came back to check on my quiet children and Jake looks up and says "mom, Ainsley is cutting her hair". In shock I walked a few more steps forward and saw my carpet and the table covered in her soft, beautiful hair. I asked Jake, "WHY didn't you COME tell me?!?!!?" to which he shrugs his shoulders and returns to Super Why. Ainsley starts scooping up her handfuls of hair and showing them off to me proudly. I examined the damage (bad) and threw my hands up in the air realizing no fit on my part was going to make this better. I went downstairs and called the folks at the Little Miss Tennessee pageant and told them we were out for this year (ha). And the day continued.

Later that afternoon the kids and I went out in the front to get the mail (again, Reid is napping - see why I like him best?). The garage door was open and I sat on the front steps while they ran to get their bikes and rode around in the drive. After a few minutes they road into the garage and I could hear them happily playing. So I let them because I'd (supposedly) safety proofed the garage pretty much and there wasn't much they could get into. After a couple minutes ( seriously - that was it!!!) I went to get them and found the little vandals - caught them red handed!! They had opened the door to my outside fridge, gotten out the brand new carton of Eggland's Best eggs, and proceeded to egg my garage, my car, their toys . . . OH THE RAGE!!!!!! I dragged them inside, gave spanking they won't soon forget and shut them into separate rooms while I went to repair the damage. At this point I began counting the minutes until my babysitter would arrive for the evening.

I bring them kids inside as Reid is waking up from his nap. I sit them down at the table with snacks and run upstairs to retrieve Reid from his crib and give him his cup of milk. Ryan calls and I'm quickly filling him in on the day as I step out onto the landing and let out a strangled "Oh MY Gosh . . . I am going to kill your children". Ainsley had gone into the pantry, gotten out my XXL jar or peanut butter, opened it, stuck her hands in it up to her wrists, and proceeded to give my family room carpet her own version of a peanut butter cleaning treatment. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
About 5 minutes later Mary (babysitter extraordinaire) arrived so I did a quick job on the carpet, kitchen floor, cabinets, stainless steel appliances (you get the picture) threw the instructions and kids at her and stalked out the door.

Providentially Ryan had asked me to schedule a massage and pedicure for myself that night as a way to celebrate our special day. As I was finishing up the massage the girl said "wow, you were so tight and stressed out . . . I can't believe it!". Well, if she reads my blog she'll believe it


David and Red said...

Oh my, that is awful. I don't even know what to say! I'm so glad you got some me time at the end of a hellish day. Can't wait to get up there and bring you an extra set of eyes for your mischievous little ones!

Susan said...

There are antidepressants save to use during pregnancy. I KNOW. I have to say I did enjoy the post and I thank God that my children aren't the only ones out there that do things like this. Remember always - you are NOT ALONE!!!

Steph and Gabe said...

Have you ever thought of having your own reality show? Seriously. Each of these events individually is awful together, it is catastrophically hilarious. Maybe you can call TLC and see if they can fit The Trumbo Children into their lineup.

Sarah said...

MY GOD!!! And I'm sorry, I truly mean that.......I honestly will give you the survival award if they all get to adulthood unscathed and you still sane. You MUST MUST write the book!!! "Chocolate Exlax and Other Stories: How I Survived Motherhood" At least you will be rich and maybe that will help. Tell Ryan ALL combat pay goes to your combat at home...which means as may babysitting get aways as you can afford!!!

I love your kids :P

Amanda said...

LOL...your life is an adventure all the time isn't it?! I wish I had one or two stories to top yours but unfortunately at this point I don't. Maybe that will come with #3's arrival. I'm not really sure how you manage to stay sane and always have a smile on your face every time I see you. You are one heck of a super MOM for going through all that you are. Kudos to you!