An Apology

 I don't know what to title this blog.  It's been swirling in around in my head for SO long and now that I'm attempting to actually sit down to put my thoughts into words - I feel a little paralyzed.  But, for the sake of finally getting it out, I will probably proceed with word vomit, hit the publish button, and then cringe with embarrassment tomorrow at my nonsensical statements and/or typos.

In my companion post to this one, I shared some confessions.  Most were light hearted, or funny, except for the last one.  The one where I admitted that in 2016, I voted for Donald Trump.  I explained my reasoning there and I won't go into it again (if you didn't read it, it's not a defense of my choice - I would not try to do that).  In this post I want to apologize to those that my decision hurt.

I'm sorry.

To every woman who has ever been sexually harassed, abused, threatened or attacked, please forgive me.  My vote for Trump must feel like a slap in the face.  The very nature of this violation is to show a woman that she is just a means to an end, that she is worth less than the desires of her attacker- and we should all be able to agree that the price for justice against an attacker that a woman must pay is a price that is too great.  She will be scrutinized to the smallest detail.  "What was she wearing?  Did she give mixed signals? Was she being a tease?  Did she want it?".  I can only imagine how terrible that might be.  But to go through all of that, and then have a country show you that they'll vote for a known sexual predator anyway?  Heartbreak.  I'm sorry.

To my Jewish friends, please forgive me.  The resurgence of anti-semitism in this country since Trump's election in 2016 is disheartening, to say the least. 

To my LGBTQ+ friends, please forgive me.  One of my dear childhood friends, who is now happily married to her wife, was bereft when Trump was elected.  I remember feeling badly that she was so upset, but not fully appreciating why,  Now I get it.  I'm sorry.

To my daughters, please forgive me.  I didn't appreciate the attack on women's rights and privacy that would ensue when the Supreme Court's balance of power shifted.  I'm trying to transition my girls over to a European app to track their cycles so that the government isn't watching their personal health data.   I've spent most of my life being staunchly pro-life.  And while I still dislike the idea of abortion, I realize that I have the freedom to make that choice for myself.  And I think all women should have the same right.  But even more importantly, the lies that have been fed about Plan B (I remember the horror when it came out at the idea of "killing babies with a pill"), which is designed to end a pregnancy before it has a chance to start.  I do want my daughters, my nieces, my friends, my daughters' friends, to have that choice.  I want to impoverished woman who is barely making ends meet to have that choice, I want the woman who was raped to have that choice.  I want to woman who will die without an abortion to have that choice. So, to my daughters, and all women, I'm sorry. 

To this country's minorities and immigrants, please forgive me.  When I think of the second greatest commandment that Jesus gave in the Bible, which was, "to love your neighbor as thyself", I know that the attitudes and policies from the Trump agenda show a great deal of hate, and very little love.  I'm sorry.

If you've read this far, you're probably shaking your head that I have turned into a Democrat.  I, in fact, have not.  I'll write more about that in another post.  But, for now, to all of those who are still here - I'm sorry. 

Confessions

Back when I was 10 or 11 years old, I went through what we will call "summer of contrition".  I don't know if it was actually summer, but what I do know, is that I was suddenly consumed with guilt about every bad thing I had ever done - specifically those acts that I hadn't been caught and punished for.  My mom remembers it as the longest summer of her life.  There she would be, trying to relax after a long day, when I would creep into her room with a trembling voice and tears in my eyes and say "Mom?  I need to tell you something".  What would come next was a sobbing, often hysterical, confession of the most insignificant transgression you can imagine.  She came to fear the sound of my footsteps outside her door as I sought absolution for my sins.  As with most childhood phases, this one passed, but we still laugh about it to this day.  Well, we laugh and wince at the same time.

Today, I come to you with a flashback to summer of 1990.  There are some things I would like to get off my chest.  I hope, in advance, you can forgive me.

1 - I would estimate that I've actually watched less then 25% of the movies that most would say defined our generation.  Sure, I've seen bits and pieces of most, but the investment of time and attention is beyond what I can give.  We're talking Pretty Woman,  The Heathers,  Airplane!, Caddy Shack, Say Anything ... and that's just from a quick Google search.   I didn't even see The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles until fairly recently.  Sometimes I'll admit I have no clue what someone is talking about in reference to a movie, but if it's just TOO embarrassing, I've been known to fake it on occasion. Oh, come on! Even though I haven't seen the whole movie, I still know the famous scene from When Harry Met Sally. 

2- Let's talk bourbon.  I'm not an expert, but I enjoy my bourbon with just a couple of ice cubes to enhance the flavor and I have some definite preferences between brands.  Over the years I've learned a lot about appreciating this delicious spirit. Which brings me back to my first bourbon experience.  Some of our friends brought a bottle of Jefferson Ocean to our house for a party.  This might not make an impression, but Jefferson Ocean is considered to be a very nice bottle of bourbon and, y'all.... I mixed that nice bourbon with ginger ale!!!  Every time I think about the sacrilege of this, I cringe.

3 - This next one is a big one.  My name is Lacey and I like to play pickleball.  For years I have been firmly anti-pickleball.  Not because there is anything wrong with the sport, but because my parents LOVE pickleball, and the more they insisted that I would love it, the more resistant I was to trying it.  I have quite the stubborn streak in me when someone tells me what to do, and dangitall if this wasn't a hill I was willing to die on.  Alas, peer pressure (or FOMO?) won out and when some of my good friends started to play all of the time, I couldn't resist.   Whatever, it's fun, blah, blah, blah.  But I swear, if I start wearing pickleball themed clothes or accessories - take me out back and shoot me.

4 - I was involved in not one, not two, but three MLMs.  I should probably stop this post right here before the few friends I have left unfriend me.  Ugh.  Y'all, again with the peer pressure.  I was a total sucker for the compliments and attention I was given in order to recruit me.  To this day I have so much guilt about friends that bought something from me because they felt pressured to.  And I cringe so hard anything I hear someone say "let's chat!".  It's straight back to "How To Build Your MLM Empire 101". 

5- Ok, if you're still with me, this last one is an honest doozy.  And I don't mean that with even a hint of sarcasm.  Back in 2016 I voted for Trump.  Hold on, I threw up a little in my mouth just typing that.  Let me explain.  In 2016, I remember feeling so disillusioned with our entire political system (if 2016 Lacey could see 2024 Lacey she probably would have a mental break).  I distinctly recall a conversation with Ryan and Belinda (two stalwart Never Trumpers) where I tried to explain, that as distasteful as I found Trump, I had hope that since he was not a politician, maybe he would actually effect positive change in the country (yes, yes, I know).  My thinking was that because he was already SO successful, he didn't need to play all of the political games, or govern with the sole purpose of winning re-election.  Also, the election was hot on the heels of Benghazi and, for reasons I won't go into, I literally could not fathom voting for Hillary Clinton.  What I WISH I would have done, is vote for a write-in candidate like Ryan did.  But I didn't.  And I feel like there are a lot of people to whom I owe an apology for that.  Read all about it here.  I am SO sorry.