I'll admit that there is another blog post sitting in my saved drafts that further blasts my experience and the mismanagement at the foundation. It felt good to write it and to get it all out there, however, I've decided that it will stay in my drafts. While everything I said was true, even to the point of hopefully being constructive criticism, in my heart I know that publishing it won't effect any change. And, might just further damage the image of an organization that, at the heart of the matter, is doing good and important work. Do I believe management changes need to be made, yes. But do I think my words will change that? No.
During my tenure at the foundation I couldn't hear these lyrics without being brought to tears:
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace
And you're the hero flying around saving face
And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed
Look at how my tears ricochet - My Tears Ricochet, Taylor Swift
Last week I was at lunch with a friend and she asked how I was doing with everything. Specifically, how was I feeling towards the foundation and the people who hurt me. It actually brought me to a complete pause (or, as Cher Horowitz would say "I totally paused") because I realized for the first time that I wasn't angry anymore. Like, I actually sat there and pondered and tried to work up anger, and I couldn't. It was an amazing feeling. And, one that I feel quite proud of. I feel like I'm taking back my self confidence and my power.
I don't know if it's just a factor of time, or personal growth, or that I actually feel like a total badass because I have single handedly remodeled a bathroom during this time, but I feel so content and happy with where I am right now. While I wouldn't go back to the foundation for all the money in the world, I genuinely want their mission to be a successful one.
Someone that I know recently returned from a program that was held in Montana. I reached out to her this week because I wanted to hear how her experience was. I know how transformative it was for me, and I hoped the same for her. Her response made me both happy and sad. Happy because she had a great experience and felt restored after her time there. Sad because I could tell that she thought I wanted to hear a bad report. It was further confirmation that leaving my follow up post to dwell in permanent draft purgatory was the right call. I hope most of my friends know me well enough to know I am not that kind of vindictive. I was hurt, I was mistreated, I was mismanaged. All of those things are true. AND YET, the work that is being done is good, the heart of most of the organization is true and I want as many people as possible to be impacted in a positive way.
I was in the car yesterday and was again brought to tears by a song.
Don't let those demons in again
I fill the void up with polished doubt, fake sentiment
Surrender yourself
And I wonder why I tear myself down to be built back up again
Oh, I hope somehow, I'll wake up young again
All that's left of myself,
Holes in my false confidence
And now I lay myself down and Hope I wake up young again - False Confidence, Noah Kahan
I will never stop being a person that trusts too easily, and, possibly, too much. I always want to believe the best in people. I've lost count of the number of times my poor husband has had to stand by and watch me throw myself into a situation that he knows will hurt me, but also knows he can't keep me from (the perils of being an expert in human behavior, I suppose). But I'll do it again. I'll let myself be torn down, but I'll come back. I always do. I wake up young again.
