My father in law passed away this week.
It’s very sad but not in an immediate sadness. More in a grief for the relationship that Ryan lost many years ago when his dad had a massive stroke.
In some ways we have waited for the call for 18 years. But in others you get to a point where you don’t expect it to come. So on Monday morning when I woke up at 4:30 to missed calls from the nearby ER I was shocked. I called the doctor and when he told me that Mike’s body was shutting down I truly thought I might still be asleep.
The next few hours were a blur but by 8:30 he was gone. Praise God he wasn’t alone. I was able to be with him and hold the phone to his ear as two sons said goodbye, while the 3rd made it in time to be with his dad as he passed.
As I held his hand I talked to him about the glory that was awaiting him. His body has been so sick for so many years. I know that it was probably hard for him to imagine walking, let alone running in heaven. I told him that Ryan’s mom would be there waiting for him. And I know she was.
My kids never knew the dad that Ryan grew up with. He was a shell of the man who never missed a sporting event of his boys. Who coached them, drove them to practices, games and camps. Who was so immensely proud of them.
Over the years it’s been hard not to be resentful. Ryan’s mom’s life was never the same after the stroke and the stress may very well have contributed to her shortened life.
After she was gone the burden fell to Ryan. I wish I could say it wasn’t a burden but many times, it was. But Ryan was always faithful to take care of his dad’s needs, coordinate his care, take care of his finances, provide for his few physical needs. His dad lost his ability to truly express gratitude and to know how to put others first but that didn’t stop Ryan from doing what he could... knowing it would be thankless and never enough.
We’ve been blessed by friends who have just showed up this week, knowing the many and varied emotions we are feeling. For those who have sent flowers to bring smiles to our faces, who have brought dinner, wine, breakfast, cupcakes! For those who have taken over schooling so we could have some time together alone. The reminders of our blessings are many.
We picked up his ashes and death certificate today. A routine we’ve become all too familiar with. His death certificate lists the primary cause of death as sepsis but the secondary cause as COVID-19. There is no doubt in my mind, that had he not contracted Covid he would have been able to fight the infection that took him. He’s fought similar infections many times before.
While we know with Ryan’s dad, that this was the time for him to go, I can’t help but think of the many others with pre-existing conditions whose cause of deaths are being politicized or debated for the gain of one side or the other. It certainly brings it into a new light as you stare at the words on a death certificate with your own eyes.
So, maybe the reminder in all of this is that life is rarely black or white. Republican or Democrat. Covid or Sepsis. Blessing or burden. Grief or joy.
Most often, it’s somewhere in the gray.
