A 2024 Post Mortem

 Two thousand and twenty four.  It was the best of years, it was the worst of years.   

2024 feels a bit like two separate lifetimes.  It was simultaneously one of the hardest and one of my favorite years of my life. I have an immense amount of pride as I look back at the hard work and growth that brought me through the year.  There were so many times that I could have circled the wagons and surrounded myself with only like minded people, but I would have missed out on a tremendous opportunity to become a much healthier version of myself.

The best gift that I gave myself in 2024 was to re-engage in therapy.  I am super lucky that years ago I found an incredibly wise and insightful counselor who has seen me through many seasons in my life.  It started with navigating a challenging middle child who was always angry, especially when his dad was gone, to then walking with Ryan and I through our grief when we lost Belinda, to now, meeting over video chat as I work to heal and grow from hurts and harmful patterns. 

The year started with a wounded ego that I had been so easily discarded by The Station Foundation.  I also faced the heartache of watching my children each go through challenges that regularly brought me to tears as I wanted nothing more than to protect them (and, when applicable,  punch the people who were hurting them in the face).  I worried deeply over the stress and years of accumulated baggage that weighed Ryan down at work and prayed each morning that he would survive the day and come home to me safely.  I guess you could say that is a good representation of what made it the worst of times.

Summer came and the air seemed to lighten a little as we saw beautiful growth and progress in our family.  Our trip to Arizona was like a balm to our souls and we reveled in long hikes, no humidity and the beauty of Ponderosa pines and San Francisco peaks.  We dropped our beautiful girl off at college and the next day I flew to Iceland on what was, truly, the adventure of a lifetime.  I look back on that trip with so much pride because it’s the kind of thing that I always say that I WANT to do, but when it comes to decision time I chicken out.  But not this time!  I did it and I will treasure the experience and the friendships that grew on that trip. 

September and October were when I re-engaged with my therapist as she helped me navigate the growth that I needed in my life.  I had a few valued relationships end (or I guess I should clarify relationships that I valued, clearly not so much on the other side) in the preceding months and weeks and I was reeling with the onslaught of emotion and questioning of myself and who I was.  I will never forget my therapist’s face as she looked at me from across the screen and said, “I don’t see it as a loss, but instead as a shedding of relationships that didn’t serve your growth and desire to be the best version of yourself”.  Oh my goodness.  My brain immediately envisioned a phoenix coming out of the ashes and that one sentence allowed me to reframe my entire recent experience.  Instead of being hurt or angered at being discarded I felt something a little like gratitude. For better or for worse, I am a loyal person, and sometimes that loyalty means that I won’t release relationships that I know don’t make me a better person, because that would be a disloyal act.  But in my conversations with my therapist I was able to see that being released from that obligation was actually a really good thing for me.  There doesn’t have to always be a right side and a wrong side.  Or a good person vs the bad person.  Because none of them are bad people.  I am not a bad person.  They can be really good friends (to other people in their lives, but that person doesn’t have to be me..  What a deep breathe I can now take as I move forward focusing on the abundance of relationships that I have in my life who do make me a better person.  I’ve joked that I’ve been on somewhat of a reunion tour lately as I have taken stock of my life and purposefully made an effort to connect with other women who bring out the best in me, and, I hope, can say I bring encouragement to their lives.  

The end result is that sometimes going through loss of relationship can be painful but with the proper perspective and introspection it can be a true catalyst for needed change.  And that has brought me to where I am now as I enter 2025.  Truly the most content and whole I can remember being in a long time.