When tomorrow comes
I'll be on my own
Feeling frightened of the things that I don't know
When tomorrow comes
Tomorrow comes
Tomorrow comes

And though the road is long
I look up to the sky
And in the dark I found, I stop but I know that I won't fly
Then I sing along
Sing along
Sing along

I got all I need when I got you and I
Cause I look around me and see a sweet life
Stuck in the dark but your my flashlight
Getting me through the night
Can't stop my heart when you're shining in my eyes
I can't lie, its a sweet life
I'm stuck in the dark but your my flashlight.
Getting me through the night

I see the shadows
Long beneath the mountain top
I'm not afraid when the rain won't stop
Cause you light the way
Light the way
Light the way

I love this song.  It has a lot of meaning for me.  As a milspo there are lots of times that I have had to say "when tomorrow comes I'll be on my own".  

And often the road feels long.  And at times it feels like the rain won't stop.

But I'm never alone.

When I hear this song I think of the two most important things in my life.  God and my husband.
(don't judge me. kids fit in this somewhere too but right now i'm not talking about them).
I look around me and I see the sweet life that God has given me and that R and I live together.  R is my rock and he guides me so often.  I trust him with absolutely everything about our lives.  Even to the point that I know and accept that the Army has to be part of our lives. I trust his decision on this and know that our family got not just survive but thrive.  And I certainly can't stop my heart when it comes to him.  Even after all these years I hear his voice on the phone and my heart beats faster. I see his face on FaceTime and I can't stop smiling.  And I'm so thankful for technology that lets me have access to him and his wisdom when I need his help (which is so very often) with a problem or decision.

But God never leaves me.  He does light my way and He brings me through all the dark times.  He shows up in little tiny details that show me He care for me and He shows up in big ways that I can't deny are His workings.  He shows up using others to show me love and help care for us.   He shows up in songs at church and hugs from friends.  He shows up in a peace that settles into my soul as I navigate this time of uncertainty.

I just have to share the gratefulness I feel in my heart for the man that takes care of me here on earth and my Heavenly Father who takes care of me in ways I don't even know or understand.  

On being a MilSpo

Military wife life.

Sigh.

It's a funny thing.  When you've done it for long enough sometimes you can forget that what is asked of you on a regular basis is hard.  Its challenging.  And, more often than not, its expected that you will roll with it and figure out how to make it work.

Whether its a TDY that has been extended indefinitely (ahem), or a PCS when you've only been at your current duty station for two years, or a promotion board that didn't go the way you hoped (and assumed) it would, there are so many "opportunities to be flexible".  (Do you like my subtle snub at positive talk?  Take that PR people.)

I'm either currently in, recently have been in, or have dear friends who are in all of the situations mentioned above.

What's funny is lately I notice myself having to explain my situation to others (including other military spouses) a lot more than I would like.  Part of it is my own insecurities (which are many) and part of it is that we have been in a state of war for so long now that long trips, deployments, etc are commonplace.  When my guy is gone I often have someone ask for how long and when I answer I usually get a "oh good, that's not too bad" in response.  And while that drives me CRAZY I know I've been on the giving end of that reply before as well.

A week without them stinks, two weeks without them stinks, three weeks without them stinks... indefinite weeks without them stinks.  And I swear, I am not looking for accolades or sympathy.  Honestly. We choose to do this work.  But I also hate when we feel the need to make ourselves feel better about someone else's sacrifice by downplaying it.

Ugh.  And now I'm to the part where I realize why I haven't blogged much lately.  Because I feel like this is making no sense but I'm too lazy to go back and fix it.  So I'll hit publish so I can get it off my chest but probably not share the link on facebook so I don't open myself up to criticism.  Cause I'm a wimp like that.

My Soul.

I love to run.  Except when I don't love it.

The past couple months I have not loved to run.  I am training for a marathon and it has felt like a job more than a hobby.  And definitely not a hobby that was fun.

I have some things going on physically right now that have forced me to slow down this week.  And, as usual, when I slow down I have time to take a hard look at what I'm doing and the decisions that I'm  making.

Somewhere in the past couple of years I've let my perspective shift.  In my training if I wasn't going for faster than I needed to be going farther.  And if not farther, then faster.  So, when this marathon cycle came along all I could think was that I had to go for a PR.  I have put so much pressure on myself to do it that I've literally obsessed over my key workouts to the point I'm driving my own self crazy.  Whether it was a marathon pace run or a lactate threshold run I was worrying and justifying and bargaining in my mind in the days leading up to it.  If I hit the workout then I chided myself for being so silly and worrying so much.  If I didn't then I berated myself for  not being mentally strong enough.

About running.

Running!!!!!!!!

I've been joking with friends that somewhere along the line my mind must've gotten confused and maybe I believed that my performance actually mattered in the grand scheme of my life.  Like, I'm trying to make the Olympic Trials? (um, NO!).  Or I have sponsorships riding on my results (again, NO!).  I joked about how silly I was being but in the back of my mind I still wanted to perform.

Why?  What makes me tick like this that I can't just do something and be good at it.  That deep down I want to be the best.  And I've let that become my identity.  Lacey The Fast Runner.  That is how I feel worthy.  I've let it define me.

And I can sit here and wax poetic forever about how very ridiculous/pathetic that is but right now I'm so deep in thoughts and emotions that its difficult.  I could list 10 things immediately that should come higher than that but I suck at most of them so running was the easiest one to grab onto.

So, right now that's where I am.  I'm forcing myself to back off of Peak to Creek training. I want to get back to loving my runs again.  Being joyful again.  And I also need to prepare myself for the day I can no longer run because, sadly, that day may be coming faster than I want.

So, dear friends, when you ask me how my running is or what I'm training for an I mumble a reply please understand its not you, it me.  And I'm trying to figure out exactly what that means.

The Galloping Horse Slows Down

Today I came home after I dropped the kids off at school and went back to sleep. There I said it. My name is Lacey and I went back to sleep. Go ahead and judge me if you must.

I know I've talked a lot about finding my groove once I had all my kids in school. I certainly haven't found it yet and I don't intend to spend all my newfound free time sleeping. BUT I'll be honest with you. I worked my ass off the last 11 years of my life. I know all of us moms have. So I'm not trying to say that I've had it harder than the vast majority of my friends (especially my military friends), I'm just acknowledging that it was a heck of a lot of work.

So you know what, I'm gonna take a little bit of time and enjoy this. I'm not going to run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to fill up the empty space. When I don't have something to do I'm going to go home put my feet up and read a book. I'm gonna take that afternoon nap. And yes some days I'm even going to go home and go back to sleep.

Volunteer opportunities galore await me. And I fully intend to jump in and help out. For so many years I've had to say no because of the sheer magnitude of work required to keep a family of six afloat. But this year with seven free hours every day I am for sure less encumbered.  When I get the notice that they need someone to help at the book fair I would love to do that. When I hear the librarian could use a hand scanning and shelving books I can be her girl. When it's time for cardboard challenge day you can bet I'll be there all day helping my kids build wonderful creations.  I've already said yes to Backpack Pals doing my part to make sure that the less fortunate kids at PES don't go hungry over the weekends.  I'm also excited to have time to join a Bible study. To run without the clock ticking in my head that it's almost time for preschool pick up. And to be able to focus a little bit more time and energy on Stella and Dot.

All of that and more await me, I am sure. But not just right this second. Right this second I'm feeling incredibly rested after a perfect morning nap. And I'm trying my hardest not to feel guilty. 

PS -  please let me do a trunk show for you! Pretty please? I would love to!

PPS - look at this sale! I love this scarf!!! www.stelladot.com/laceytrumbo

An Exciting Day for Me ...

I am very excited to annouce that I have decided to become a stylist for Stella and Dot.

I totally know what you are thinking right now.  I totally paused.  http://www.riffsy.com/view/sriff/3486290.riff

Let's proceed.  You are thinking "oh geez, not another friend trying to sell me something!"

I promise.  I am not trying to sell you anything.

I have seriously thought long and hard about this decision.  Really wrestled with it for a few weeks.  

On the one hand I absolutely LOVE Stella and Dot jewelry and accessories.  I wear it almost every day.  And it never fails that when I have one of their pieces on someone comments on it.   It really only makes sense for me to sign up so that I can feed my own habit for less and so I can share it with others when they ask.

On the other hand I can't stand the thought of anyone thinking that I'm pushing them to buy something to make me happy.  Or that I'm talking to them/texting them/inviting them to something for my own personal gain.  We've all been there - on the receiving end - and its not a good feeling.

So, like I said, deciding to become a stylist for Stella and Dot was not something I jumped into.  

But in the end the pros outweigh the cons.  First of all, I plan to continue to make it clear to all that I only ever want someone to buy a piece because they want it, they love it and they will wear it.

Secondly, I love how putting just a little bit of effort into even a simple outfit makes me feel so good about how I look.  And when I feel good about how I look it translates into other areas of my life.

Thirdly, I don't think fashion has to be hard.  I think it is attainable with just a little effort.  Not everyone feels that way though. I know many friends who have felt discouraged by the thought of keeping up with trends.  That's why I'm so excited!  I get to help them find easy, affordable ways to feel great about how they look.

Next, and importantly, I really like Stella and Dot as a company.  Its empowering women to make a little extra or a lot extra based on the time and energy they have to give a business.  Its high quality, beautiful pieces at truly reasonable prices.   Its also beautifully packaged and I am a HUGE sucker for pretty packaging.  Isn't that just part of the fun?

In an effort to show how I love to wear the pieces I'm going to kick off a new blog called It Will Never Be Noticed On a Galloping Horse.  The Name is an inspiration from my great grandmother Helene Hart.  This was one of her favorite sayings.  The meaning behind it is to not sweat the small stuff.  Look at the big picture in your outfits.  I hope to make her proud with what I write.  

If you live locally expect to be invited to my premier trunk show in the near future.  It will be a fun night to drink wine, see friends and look at what Stella and Dot is all about.  

Savannah River Bridge Run - RR

I've come to a major realization that on my blog I have two types of posts.  Posts about running and posts about everything else.  It was a seminal moment for me.

This weekend I ran in a race down in Savannah called .... The Savannah River Bridge Run.  Its a really nicely run race that consists of a 5k, a 10k and what's called the Double Pump.  I did the Double Pump.  That means I ran the 5k and then turned around and ran the 10k a few minutes later.  That comes out to a 15k (I'm really good at math) which is 9.3 miles.

Before we go much farther let me make a couple disclaimers.  First - if you don't like reading about running, race strategy and my monthly cycle then stop reading now.  Second - if you don't like excuses and whining you should also take a moment and excuse yourself from this post.

This was a hard race to mentally prepare for.  I've run one 5K race since my cross country days in junior high and I've never done anything like the Double Pump.  Initially my plan was to try and PR the 5k.  A PR would be anything less than 19.49 but I decided a 19.30 would be nice.  That comes out to a 6.16 pace, which is tough but doable.  Then I thought I’d just hang on for the 10K and run it as fast as a could.

Unfortunately I thought a lot about everything except for the BLEEPING bridge.  The bridge that you run over once in the 5k and twice in the 10k.  The bridge that is a 5.5% grade and a ¾ of a mile long climb.  Yep, that bridge.

My pace for the first mile of the 5k was 6.16.  Dead on.  My pace for the last mile was 6.16.  Perfect.  My pace for the middle mile that included that flipping bridge was 6.59.  CRAP!

Now for another side note that will delve more into excuse territory.  I lined up too late for this race and had about 50 people in front of me at the start.  While this is not a big deal in a marathon it is a really big deal in a 5k where every second counts.  Unfortunately I totally screwed myself by doing this because I spent the first minute weaving in and out and trying to get up to speed.  That certainly hurt my time.  Next is the big one.  My shoe.  It came untied at mile 2.1.  I made the decision not to stop and just to run and pray it wouldn’t fly off our trip me.  It did neither but it certainly did not help anything.  I was so ticked at myself for not double checking that it was knotted properly.  And finally, I started my period the morning of the race.  Enough said about that.

I finished the 5k right around 20.30 and felt thoroughly discouraged.  So I spent the next 19.30 minutes justifying to myself taking it easy on the 10k since I was sure I was out of placing at that point.  When it came time to line up I just picked a spot near the middle and chatted with my friend Nikki until the gun went off.  At which point I realized it had been a big mistake to stop moving after the 5k.  My legs felt like lead.  When they started to loosen up I again found myself having to weave through hoards of people in order to try to run at my own pace.  I’m sure my first mile pace was well over 8 minutes just because I kept on getting stuck behind people on tight turns. 

The 10k was where I really just let go mentally.  Taking on the bridge two more times absolutely sucked and I knew my pace was horrible.   It wasn’t until the last mile that I finally got serious about running again and kicked it in as hard as I could.

So, it wasn’t a great day and that’s all find and dandy until you look at the results and realize you missed 1^st place in your age group by ONE second and missed placing overall by 15 seconds.  I have no doubt that had I lined up at the front in both races I would have placed overall.  I’m sure that sounds arrogant but I don’t mean it like that.  I’m just so frustrated with myself for not staying focused on making smart decisions.  And for giving up without knowing how close in it I was. 

There were definitely things out of my control – like the shoe – but my brain is always in control and its my lack of mental toughness that I am most regretting right now.

The good news is that I am committed to taking this and making it a learning experience. I don’t want to have a other race where I give up and then realize how close I could have been to placing. 

Anyone else out there had a similar experience?  

Yes. Just yes.

The other day my friend Molly posted this to facebook:
American Parenting is Killing Marriage

Go ahead and read it, I'll wait.

To this whole article I want to yell "YES!".

If you come to my house and ask my children who Mommy loves best they (should) all tell you the same thing.  Daddy.  He is who mommy loves best.

I didn't always have this perspective.  Back when Jake was first born I was overwhelmed with love for him and the maternal instincts that sprang up in me seemingly at the moment of his birth.  I remember trying to talk to Ryan about my love for Jake and how indescribable it was.  What happened next is something I will never forget.  He took my hands and said, "I love Jake too, so much more than I could have imagined.  But YOU are the one whom I love the most."

At first I was shocked.  What kind of monster had I married?  How could he not love our precious child above all else.

Wow, was I ever wrong.

Ryan is my partner for life.  He is my Always.  My Forever.  My children are my Now and then one day I will give them away to their Always.

Does this mean my kids feel insecure or unloved?  No! It means that my children are able to rest in complete safety and peace regarding our family.  They know that I love them so much that my heart feels like it will burst but that my loyalty and my heart belongs to their dad.  My children, I pray, will not feel the burden and weight of being the one whom I love most.  They will, instead, get to rest in the security of that love resting on their dad's strong, capable shoulders.  They will know that while our family may, from time to time, be shaken it won't break.

And one day, when my kids are grown and (hopefully) embarking on life's journey with their own Always they will rest easy knowing that their parents are happy and content with the One that we have chosen.