So, this week was a little less eventful - thank goodness! It actually flew by which is always a good thing when you are counting the days until a deployment is over. The kids went to VBS at a church downtown and it was a great program! However it wasn't a very relaxing start to the summer as we needed to be out the door shortly before 8:30 each morning. After some initial kicking and screaming on both Jake and Ainsley's part they ended the week sad that VBS was over - which might have been largely influenced by the 3 inflatables they brought in for the last day! Jake has been walking around singing the songs they learned this week and its so sweet to hear. A great bonus is that three of my friends also had their kids there so I got to see them most mornings and afternoons and that was totally a treat.
We are still recovering from the aftermath of Ainsley's haircut. I chopped the rest of it off myself right at her ears. Its just too big of a mess to waste the effort taking her to have a professional do it. I'll give it some time to grow a little and then we'll head back to Fantastic Sam's so they can work some magic. I ran into my girlfriend Ashley yesterday and she was trying so hard to be sweet and not comment on it and then we both just started to laugh hysterically. It really is too funny! The best part is that her portrait is featured in a full page ad by Barbee Studios in this month's Clarksville Family - but no one would guess this was the same child!
We've got an exciting week to look forward to. Redonna is coming to visit tomorrow. The Rowes will be here for a couple of nights while the clean out their house and then Honey and Ozzie are coming for a week. Certainly a lot to look forward to. Maybe amidst all those visitors I'll get a nap - one can hope!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
The Cold, Hard Truth
The stories I am about to relate in the following post are 100% factual and barely, if at all, embellished for the sake of good story telling. Not because I am above hyperbole but because my life needs no exaggeration. Last Wednesday, the day that I celebrated 9 years of marriage to Ryan, the children rewarded me with "special" behavior all day long. And that day must be told for the history books . . . so here goes.
It was a slow, starter day as we'd arrived home late the night before from our Memorial Day trip to Ohio. We were tired and trying to adjust back to the Central Time Zone and this momma was certainly a little bit out of it. Unfortunately, as a parent to MY Children, this is not a luxury I can afford.
Our first event of the day was Ainsley deciding to open her own hair salon and start with herself as the first client. Reid was napping and I was in the big kids room putting away their clothes from the trip. Jake was on the computer playing games and Ainsley was coloring. All was well. Ha - well, the joke was on me. After about 3 minutes of being one room away I came back to check on my quiet children and Jake looks up and says "mom, Ainsley is cutting her hair". In shock I walked a few more steps forward and saw my carpet and the table covered in her soft, beautiful hair. I asked Jake, "WHY didn't you COME tell me?!?!!?" to which he shrugs his shoulders and returns to Super Why. Ainsley starts scooping up her handfuls of hair and showing them off to me proudly. I examined the damage (bad) and threw my hands up in the air realizing no fit on my part was going to make this better. I went downstairs and called the folks at the Little Miss Tennessee pageant and told them we were out for this year (ha). And the day continued.
Later that afternoon the kids and I went out in the front to get the mail (again, Reid is napping - see why I like him best?). The garage door was open and I sat on the front steps while they ran to get their bikes and rode around in the drive. After a few minutes they road into the garage and I could hear them happily playing. So I let them because I'd (supposedly) safety proofed the garage pretty much and there wasn't much they could get into. After a couple minutes ( seriously - that was it!!!) I went to get them and found the little vandals - caught them red handed!! They had opened the door to my outside fridge, gotten out the brand new carton of Eggland's Best eggs, and proceeded to egg my garage, my car, their toys . . . OH THE RAGE!!!!!! I dragged them inside, gave spanking they won't soon forget and shut them into separate rooms while I went to repair the damage. At this point I began counting the minutes until my babysitter would arrive for the evening.
I bring them kids inside as Reid is waking up from his nap. I sit them down at the table with snacks and run upstairs to retrieve Reid from his crib and give him his cup of milk. Ryan calls and I'm quickly filling him in on the day as I step out onto the landing and let out a strangled "Oh MY Gosh . . . I am going to kill your children". Ainsley had gone into the pantry, gotten out my XXL jar or peanut butter, opened it, stuck her hands in it up to her wrists, and proceeded to give my family room carpet her own version of a peanut butter cleaning treatment. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
About 5 minutes later Mary (babysitter extraordinaire) arrived so I did a quick job on the carpet, kitchen floor, cabinets, stainless steel appliances (you get the picture) threw the instructions and kids at her and stalked out the door.
Providentially Ryan had asked me to schedule a massage and pedicure for myself that night as a way to celebrate our special day. As I was finishing up the massage the girl said "wow, you were so tight and stressed out . . . I can't believe it!". Well, if she reads my blog she'll believe it
now.
It was a slow, starter day as we'd arrived home late the night before from our Memorial Day trip to Ohio. We were tired and trying to adjust back to the Central Time Zone and this momma was certainly a little bit out of it. Unfortunately, as a parent to MY Children, this is not a luxury I can afford.
Our first event of the day was Ainsley deciding to open her own hair salon and start with herself as the first client. Reid was napping and I was in the big kids room putting away their clothes from the trip. Jake was on the computer playing games and Ainsley was coloring. All was well. Ha - well, the joke was on me. After about 3 minutes of being one room away I came back to check on my quiet children and Jake looks up and says "mom, Ainsley is cutting her hair". In shock I walked a few more steps forward and saw my carpet and the table covered in her soft, beautiful hair. I asked Jake, "WHY didn't you COME tell me?!?!!?" to which he shrugs his shoulders and returns to Super Why. Ainsley starts scooping up her handfuls of hair and showing them off to me proudly. I examined the damage (bad) and threw my hands up in the air realizing no fit on my part was going to make this better. I went downstairs and called the folks at the Little Miss Tennessee pageant and told them we were out for this year (ha). And the day continued.
Later that afternoon the kids and I went out in the front to get the mail (again, Reid is napping - see why I like him best?). The garage door was open and I sat on the front steps while they ran to get their bikes and rode around in the drive. After a few minutes they road into the garage and I could hear them happily playing. So I let them because I'd (supposedly) safety proofed the garage pretty much and there wasn't much they could get into. After a couple minutes ( seriously - that was it!!!) I went to get them and found the little vandals - caught them red handed!! They had opened the door to my outside fridge, gotten out the brand new carton of Eggland's Best eggs, and proceeded to egg my garage, my car, their toys . . . OH THE RAGE!!!!!! I dragged them inside, gave spanking they won't soon forget and shut them into separate rooms while I went to repair the damage. At this point I began counting the minutes until my babysitter would arrive for the evening.
I bring them kids inside as Reid is waking up from his nap. I sit them down at the table with snacks and run upstairs to retrieve Reid from his crib and give him his cup of milk. Ryan calls and I'm quickly filling him in on the day as I step out onto the landing and let out a strangled "Oh MY Gosh . . . I am going to kill your children". Ainsley had gone into the pantry, gotten out my XXL jar or peanut butter, opened it, stuck her hands in it up to her wrists, and proceeded to give my family room carpet her own version of a peanut butter cleaning treatment. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
About 5 minutes later Mary (babysitter extraordinaire) arrived so I did a quick job on the carpet, kitchen floor, cabinets, stainless steel appliances (you get the picture) threw the instructions and kids at her and stalked out the door.
Providentially Ryan had asked me to schedule a massage and pedicure for myself that night as a way to celebrate our special day. As I was finishing up the massage the girl said "wow, you were so tight and stressed out . . . I can't believe it!". Well, if she reads my blog she'll believe it
now.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Chocolate Ex-Lax . . . the story of my life.
Sometimes I have nothing to post so I go long periods with no writing. Other times I have about a million things to write about but no time to do the writing. The latter is the case lately. I have been absolutely overwhelmed with all that is going on and I feel so out of touch with so many people. I've had no time to catch up on blogs, reply to emails, make phone calls, etc. I'm just trying to keep my head above water I guess you could say.
Anyway, I'm going to go for a funny story today to try and lighten the mood after my last post. Don't want to be too much of a downer around here even if that is the current status quo. Ok, so this weekend I took the kids on a retreat for spouses and kids of deployed soldiers from Ryan's unit. It was a nice (free) weekend at the Chattanooga Choo-Choo hotel which is somewhere I've always wanted to take Jake. I knew the weekend would be challenging but I figured "what is the worst that can happen "? Well, I don't know if the worst happened but I would say that "pretty bad" happened. Our weekend was going along ok, I'd attended a session while the kids were in child care, I took them swimming, they were fed and hydrated (I'm NOT kidding on this point - all meals were buffet style . . . 2 hands, 3 kids, 4 meals . . . the math does not work out there). On Saturday afternoon we went back to our hotel to rest before we headed to the aquarium. I put Reid down in his crib and then put on a movie for Jake and Ainsley and laid down on the bed next to them to rest. Well, I must have all but passed out from exhaustion because when I woke up 45 minutes later I discovered the remnants of what must have been Ainsley combing through my travel kit. In that travel kit is a package of chocolate ex-lax that I bought for Ainsley at Disney World because she was a little stopped up. It takes maybe half a little tablet to get her system moving. Well, exact data won't ever be found but she must have eaten at least 7 or 8 full tablets. Inches from my sleeping head.
So, at this point what can you do but wait? We got to the aquarium and back without incident. I settled the kids down to eat pizza when we returned and that is when the inevitable began to unfold. Ainsley basically pooped her head off for the next 14 hours. It was just one pull-up after another trying to contain the flow. She went through at least 3 pull-ups during breakfast alone on Sunday morning. Shortly thereafter (probably when she was standing in the child care room holding her stomach and sobbing) I decided to call the trip a wrap. I'd had enough.
Looking back now I think I just might've been crazy to attempt this trip on my own but we survived and we accomplished 2 things - we saw Chattanooga AND we got another weekend down until Ryan comes home.
Anyway, I'm going to go for a funny story today to try and lighten the mood after my last post. Don't want to be too much of a downer around here even if that is the current status quo. Ok, so this weekend I took the kids on a retreat for spouses and kids of deployed soldiers from Ryan's unit. It was a nice (free) weekend at the Chattanooga Choo-Choo hotel which is somewhere I've always wanted to take Jake. I knew the weekend would be challenging but I figured "what is the worst that can happen "? Well, I don't know if the worst happened but I would say that "pretty bad" happened. Our weekend was going along ok, I'd attended a session while the kids were in child care, I took them swimming, they were fed and hydrated (I'm NOT kidding on this point - all meals were buffet style . . . 2 hands, 3 kids, 4 meals . . . the math does not work out there). On Saturday afternoon we went back to our hotel to rest before we headed to the aquarium. I put Reid down in his crib and then put on a movie for Jake and Ainsley and laid down on the bed next to them to rest. Well, I must have all but passed out from exhaustion because when I woke up 45 minutes later I discovered the remnants of what must have been Ainsley combing through my travel kit. In that travel kit is a package of chocolate ex-lax that I bought for Ainsley at Disney World because she was a little stopped up. It takes maybe half a little tablet to get her system moving. Well, exact data won't ever be found but she must have eaten at least 7 or 8 full tablets. Inches from my sleeping head.
So, at this point what can you do but wait? We got to the aquarium and back without incident. I settled the kids down to eat pizza when we returned and that is when the inevitable began to unfold. Ainsley basically pooped her head off for the next 14 hours. It was just one pull-up after another trying to contain the flow. She went through at least 3 pull-ups during breakfast alone on Sunday morning. Shortly thereafter (probably when she was standing in the child care room holding her stomach and sobbing) I decided to call the trip a wrap. I'd had enough.
Looking back now I think I just might've been crazy to attempt this trip on my own but we survived and we accomplished 2 things - we saw Chattanooga AND we got another weekend down until Ryan comes home.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Funk
This is my 100th post I just realized. Hard to believe I've posted that many times in the little over a year since I started this blog but I guess I have. So it seems like I should have something funny or heartwarming to share but I don't. I am in a total funk right now. I was talking to a dear friend today and was telling her its just one of those funks where you kind of want to crawl in a hole and stay there until you snap out of it. Because when I feel like this I absolutely can't trust myself around others. I'm either prickly and distant or overly weepy and emotional. And I hate going into a situation knowing I'm going to act that way and I hate the feelings that linger after those encounters. I just can't be trusted.
Why am I in a funk? Well, of course, I miss Ryan like crazy. But that is nothing new in our marriage - our in our relationship as a whole. This summer it will have been 14 years since we met and fell in love and those years have held a lot of separation and heartache. It doesn't ever ache less but I have developed a number of coping mechanisms. Right now though my funk has more to do with just missing his companionship as my best friend than with being tired of single parenting, etc.
But there is more to my funk than Ryan being gone. I've realized in the past few days that its coming to the end of an era here in Clarksville for us and there are tears on my cheeks just typing that. This time has meant some of the sweetest, deepest most real friendships I have ever experienced. And while I'm leaving soon most of those friendships are leaving sooner and that has me in mourning. I suck at being a long distance friend. S - U - C - K, suck at it. And so I'm afraid of losing what I have. Will I still call M just to complain when my kids are whiney? Will N still call me with crazy, random questions that then morphs into 15 minute long laugh fests? What about when we can't count on S & C to invite us over for their famous Sunday cookouts? And that doesn't even begin on the dear ones we will leave behind when we move. I honestly don't know that I will ever, ever, ever have again what I have right now and it scares me to death. Because I know friendships like this aren't commonplace. I know they are nothing to be taken for granted.
And I've learned so much from my friends here. I've learned about selfless hospitality - TRUE hospitality. When I lived in Virginia it was entertaining - not being hospitable. And that was pressure and status and keeping up with the Joneses which is as far from true hospitality as you can get. But here I've learned what it is to say "come as you are" and to say it often. I've learned how to be a better phone friend. I generally stink at talking on the phone but I've learned to how to have short conversations that manage to cover the whole gamut in rapid fire style. I've been shown what it is to be selfless with your time. How many house calls has my favorite pediatrician made? Too many to count. I've seen what it means to really embrace life and go all out for every opportunity. To not let life pass you by but to take charge and make each day count. I've learned true generosity - from the heart giving that has blessed me to my very core. I've learned all this and so much more.
And so I know that is contributing heavily to my current funk. I've got little over a month and then many will begin to drift away. Its not going to get easier over these next few weeks but I pray that I'll find solace in the special times we have left together.
And on a final note - a little something so this doesn't end totally sappy - I learned today that crayon bits seem to pass through the system and re-enter the world in their original color. Fascinating.
Why am I in a funk? Well, of course, I miss Ryan like crazy. But that is nothing new in our marriage - our in our relationship as a whole. This summer it will have been 14 years since we met and fell in love and those years have held a lot of separation and heartache. It doesn't ever ache less but I have developed a number of coping mechanisms. Right now though my funk has more to do with just missing his companionship as my best friend than with being tired of single parenting, etc.
But there is more to my funk than Ryan being gone. I've realized in the past few days that its coming to the end of an era here in Clarksville for us and there are tears on my cheeks just typing that. This time has meant some of the sweetest, deepest most real friendships I have ever experienced. And while I'm leaving soon most of those friendships are leaving sooner and that has me in mourning. I suck at being a long distance friend. S - U - C - K, suck at it. And so I'm afraid of losing what I have. Will I still call M just to complain when my kids are whiney? Will N still call me with crazy, random questions that then morphs into 15 minute long laugh fests? What about when we can't count on S & C to invite us over for their famous Sunday cookouts? And that doesn't even begin on the dear ones we will leave behind when we move. I honestly don't know that I will ever, ever, ever have again what I have right now and it scares me to death. Because I know friendships like this aren't commonplace. I know they are nothing to be taken for granted.
And I've learned so much from my friends here. I've learned about selfless hospitality - TRUE hospitality. When I lived in Virginia it was entertaining - not being hospitable. And that was pressure and status and keeping up with the Joneses which is as far from true hospitality as you can get. But here I've learned what it is to say "come as you are" and to say it often. I've learned how to be a better phone friend. I generally stink at talking on the phone but I've learned to how to have short conversations that manage to cover the whole gamut in rapid fire style. I've been shown what it is to be selfless with your time. How many house calls has my favorite pediatrician made? Too many to count. I've seen what it means to really embrace life and go all out for every opportunity. To not let life pass you by but to take charge and make each day count. I've learned true generosity - from the heart giving that has blessed me to my very core. I've learned all this and so much more.
And so I know that is contributing heavily to my current funk. I've got little over a month and then many will begin to drift away. Its not going to get easier over these next few weeks but I pray that I'll find solace in the special times we have left together.
And on a final note - a little something so this doesn't end totally sappy - I learned today that crayon bits seem to pass through the system and re-enter the world in their original color. Fascinating.
Monday, April 27, 2009
My Escape Artists
There is no longer any peace in my home because my children are clearly developing their skills as escape artists in the circus. Seriously. In the past 10 days there have been more instances that I can even remember of them turning up in places they should not be. I'll give you the four most vivid examples:
1- I was washing dishes one evening while the kids were playing. They were playing in the foyer and then moved into the front guest room. It was a beautiful evening out so I had the front door open but the storm door closed and locked. I had the water on so I couldn't hear everything but knew where they were (or so I thought) so I didn't worry. About 5 minutes later I shut the water off and turned around to find them and see Reid climbing his way down the front steps . . . and his brother and sister no where to be found. So I run outside and run to the house they usually escape to but there is no sign of them. I run around my house to the other side but no kids. My neighbor across the street is out on his front porch watching so I'm trying to look like I'm in control so he won't think I'm a total idiot. Just as I'm going back inside to look for them there my new next door neighbor runs up to tell me the kids have taken off for a run around the block. He came to tell me while his "roommate" went to follow them. I freak out and take off running just as I realize Reid is still on the front steps. Thankfully my other neighbor who was watching these shenanigans comes running for Reid and motions me on. I find my two runaways THREE QUARTERS of their way around the block. Neither with shoes on and Ainsley in her pajamas. Oh I was so mad and upset and scared. After the punishment they received I thought it would never happen again. Ha. Ha. Ha.
2- Last Friday morning Jake was sleeping down in the guest room and slept in pretty late. I was in my room with Ainsley and Reid getting ready and I heard a bedroom door close. So I went to find Jake and let him know where we were but his door was closed so I decided to he'd just gotten up to go to the bathroom and gone back to bed or something. Before I head back to my room I wanted to run get the paper so I open the front door and storm door to find JAKE bare-butt standing on our front sidewalk taking his morning bathroom break. He shut all the doors behind him as to avoid detection. I had no idea he was out there. But my neighbors sure did - I ran into her at Walmart later that day and she was still laughing.
3 - Friday night was a rough night with Reid running a temp, etc. so I was up with him a few times and exhausted. I was awoken at 3:30 a.m. by a strange rustling overhead and prayed it was just Ainsley going to the bathroom. but the noises were weird and kept going so I had to get up to investigate. I came upstairs to find the bonus room light on but no Jake. Then I realized the closet light was on but didn't see him in the closet but heard more noises. So I went THROUGH our closet to the door that leads to the attic and lo and behold there he was. At 3:30 in the morning. Trying to find his blue car. At least that was his story. I never found out anymore and I'm still wondering if he was sleep walking. Needless to say the door to the attic is now locked.
4- During naptime today I put Jake in the guest room and went to my room to work on a project. About 20 minutes later I came out to get something and heard more weird noises. Huh, what could that be. I look out the front window and there is Jake trying to scale the window. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had all the doors locked and the extra slide lock on so there was no way he could get out. But what I had never thought of was the possibility of him kicking the window screen out of the guest room window and climbing out the window. I can only imagine how long he was out there.
So, there you have it. If you feel the need to call Child Protective Services PLEASE be my guest!
1- I was washing dishes one evening while the kids were playing. They were playing in the foyer and then moved into the front guest room. It was a beautiful evening out so I had the front door open but the storm door closed and locked. I had the water on so I couldn't hear everything but knew where they were (or so I thought) so I didn't worry. About 5 minutes later I shut the water off and turned around to find them and see Reid climbing his way down the front steps . . . and his brother and sister no where to be found. So I run outside and run to the house they usually escape to but there is no sign of them. I run around my house to the other side but no kids. My neighbor across the street is out on his front porch watching so I'm trying to look like I'm in control so he won't think I'm a total idiot. Just as I'm going back inside to look for them there my new next door neighbor runs up to tell me the kids have taken off for a run around the block. He came to tell me while his "roommate" went to follow them. I freak out and take off running just as I realize Reid is still on the front steps. Thankfully my other neighbor who was watching these shenanigans comes running for Reid and motions me on. I find my two runaways THREE QUARTERS of their way around the block. Neither with shoes on and Ainsley in her pajamas. Oh I was so mad and upset and scared. After the punishment they received I thought it would never happen again. Ha. Ha. Ha.
2- Last Friday morning Jake was sleeping down in the guest room and slept in pretty late. I was in my room with Ainsley and Reid getting ready and I heard a bedroom door close. So I went to find Jake and let him know where we were but his door was closed so I decided to he'd just gotten up to go to the bathroom and gone back to bed or something. Before I head back to my room I wanted to run get the paper so I open the front door and storm door to find JAKE bare-butt standing on our front sidewalk taking his morning bathroom break. He shut all the doors behind him as to avoid detection. I had no idea he was out there. But my neighbors sure did - I ran into her at Walmart later that day and she was still laughing.
3 - Friday night was a rough night with Reid running a temp, etc. so I was up with him a few times and exhausted. I was awoken at 3:30 a.m. by a strange rustling overhead and prayed it was just Ainsley going to the bathroom. but the noises were weird and kept going so I had to get up to investigate. I came upstairs to find the bonus room light on but no Jake. Then I realized the closet light was on but didn't see him in the closet but heard more noises. So I went THROUGH our closet to the door that leads to the attic and lo and behold there he was. At 3:30 in the morning. Trying to find his blue car. At least that was his story. I never found out anymore and I'm still wondering if he was sleep walking. Needless to say the door to the attic is now locked.
4- During naptime today I put Jake in the guest room and went to my room to work on a project. About 20 minutes later I came out to get something and heard more weird noises. Huh, what could that be. I look out the front window and there is Jake trying to scale the window. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had all the doors locked and the extra slide lock on so there was no way he could get out. But what I had never thought of was the possibility of him kicking the window screen out of the guest room window and climbing out the window. I can only imagine how long he was out there.
So, there you have it. If you feel the need to call Child Protective Services PLEASE be my guest!
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Stolen and Hilarious.
I just stole this from a note my friend Gwendolyn posted on her facebook. I give all credit to her for finding it but it is just TOO genius to not pass this along!!! My personal favorites are the grocery store test and OF COURSE the last one. Not that I have any childless friends who read this blog who, ahem, think they know a thing or two to teach parents about raising their kids. But if I did . . . :)
How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids: -
Mess Test Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. -
Grocery Store Test Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. -
Dressing Test Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. -
Feeding Test Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. -
Night Test Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. -
Ingenuity Test Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. -
Automobile Test Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect! -
Physical Test (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while. -
Physical Test (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. -
Final Assignment Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids: -
Mess Test Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
Toy Test Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night. -
Grocery Store Test Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. -
Dressing Test Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside. -
Feeding Test Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. -
Night Test Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. -
Ingenuity Test Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. -
Automobile Test Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect! -
Physical Test (Women) Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while. -
Physical Test (Men) Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time. -
Final Assignment Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Easter
This post is a little overdue since Easter was yesterday . . . I guess if it was an overview of our Easter it wouldn't really be overdue but since it isn't, it is. Ha - try to make sense of that one. I have a good excuse though for this being late. 1 - my parents were here for a great week and I hated to spend time on the computer when I had great adult company . 2 - I got sick as a dog on Wed/Thurs - ya know, puking and all. It was great. 3 - Ainsley got her hands on the computer last week and pulled the space bar off and while I've fixed it to the best of my abilities its still really annoying and typing just isn't much fun when you have to backspace every third word to take out extra spaces. Thanks Ains.
So, Easter. Its a wonderful time of celebration in the world of believers. Its really THE most important time as we reflect on our sin and the price Christ paid on the cross to wipe us clean of sin so that we could know the Father God. None of the gripes that are about to follow are in the least meant to detract from the true meaning of Easter. Hmmm, maybe if I'd actually been in the Easter service yesterday rather than serving in the toddler nursery I'd feel less like griping but since that WASN'T the case here goes my complaining (whew, I was worried I wasn't going to be able to work my personal pity party into this post). My gripe is about Easter clothing. Its a nasty scam. I mean, here we are pressure to put our little girls in little frilly dresses so we run out and buy these adorable frocks and sandals and then 5 days before when we check the weather and realize its going to be 30 degrees on Easter morning we go into a panic. Then we are on the hunt for a matching cardigan, tights, shoes instead of sandals . . . and we have to pay top dollar for them all because we already have the dress and heavens knows we can't change that. So Easter morning dawns cold as all get-out and we pile on the layers and finally top it all off with a dress meant to be warn on an 80 degree day. Its maddening I tell you. The one good thing is as the mom of two boys I have it easy there. I mean - at least Jake isn't sweating his head off in his undershirt, long sleeve button up and sweater vest! Actually, follow me on a short rabbit trail. A few years ago we were in Charlotte for Easter and it was blazing hot. Seriously, the only Easter I have any memory of it even being warm, let alone hot. So, I have Jake in white twill pants, a long sleeve white button up shirt and a seersucker blazer and he was burning up! Poor kid - I still look at those pics and laugh at his poor little red cheeks.
Now, on to adult women and our Easter apparel expectations . . . Has anyone examined the Belk or Dillards Easter ads lately? Do you see the clothing they have these women in? Its the same crap they wanted our moms to wear in the 80's. Why on earth does the celebration of Christ's Resurrection mean I have to dress up in some hideous pastel Easter outfit? I'm sorry but I just refuse. I mean its frightening, really.
And I think I could go on with other topics - such as the requirement for an Easter dinner of foods I don't particularly enjoy - but if I wait to get time to get that all out this post will never happen. And its late enough already!
So, Easter. Its a wonderful time of celebration in the world of believers. Its really THE most important time as we reflect on our sin and the price Christ paid on the cross to wipe us clean of sin so that we could know the Father God. None of the gripes that are about to follow are in the least meant to detract from the true meaning of Easter. Hmmm, maybe if I'd actually been in the Easter service yesterday rather than serving in the toddler nursery I'd feel less like griping but since that WASN'T the case here goes my complaining (whew, I was worried I wasn't going to be able to work my personal pity party into this post). My gripe is about Easter clothing. Its a nasty scam. I mean, here we are pressure to put our little girls in little frilly dresses so we run out and buy these adorable frocks and sandals and then 5 days before when we check the weather and realize its going to be 30 degrees on Easter morning we go into a panic. Then we are on the hunt for a matching cardigan, tights, shoes instead of sandals . . . and we have to pay top dollar for them all because we already have the dress and heavens knows we can't change that. So Easter morning dawns cold as all get-out and we pile on the layers and finally top it all off with a dress meant to be warn on an 80 degree day. Its maddening I tell you. The one good thing is as the mom of two boys I have it easy there. I mean - at least Jake isn't sweating his head off in his undershirt, long sleeve button up and sweater vest! Actually, follow me on a short rabbit trail. A few years ago we were in Charlotte for Easter and it was blazing hot. Seriously, the only Easter I have any memory of it even being warm, let alone hot. So, I have Jake in white twill pants, a long sleeve white button up shirt and a seersucker blazer and he was burning up! Poor kid - I still look at those pics and laugh at his poor little red cheeks.
Now, on to adult women and our Easter apparel expectations . . . Has anyone examined the Belk or Dillards Easter ads lately? Do you see the clothing they have these women in? Its the same crap they wanted our moms to wear in the 80's. Why on earth does the celebration of Christ's Resurrection mean I have to dress up in some hideous pastel Easter outfit? I'm sorry but I just refuse. I mean its frightening, really.
And I think I could go on with other topics - such as the requirement for an Easter dinner of foods I don't particularly enjoy - but if I wait to get time to get that all out this post will never happen. And its late enough already!
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